New Things

Genesis....Beginnings....Hope....
Plans....Thoughts....Actions....
Dreams....Desires....Cravings....
Restraints....Chains....Keys....
Hearts....Minds....Souls.

Brazilian is beautiful...

Dark skin stretches tightly over the rippling muscles beneath
Hair in spiky dreadlocks or long ringlets that bounce and flow
Spinning, weaving, dodging in every direction imaginable (and in some that aren't)
Two figures locked in the fatal dance of generations past
Kicks flying faster than the flick of a lighter
Living, breathing, carrying on years of tradition
Traditions of pain, of repression, of joy in spite of it all
Playing in "a manner of overthrowing the seriousness of
the concept of art, established by a neurotic system known as culture".

"Menino excuta esta toada;
o lance certo muitas vezes esta errado.
Na roda quem ja` esta classificado
leva sempre o sorriso que desanuvia
o labio, ou entao um rosto
que e` como uma charada.

Hey, young man, listen to this song;
what seems right is often wrong.
In the roda, those in the know
always come ready with a smile
that parts their lips, or with an
expression which is but a riddle."
~ Nestor Capoeira, "Menino escuta esta toada"

I'm a big kid now

So, I'm not a kid anymore
It's time to grow up
My actions are my own responsibilities
No one else is to blame
God give me wisdom to make decisions that I won't regret
And give the strength to deal with the consequences of the decisions that I do regret
Welcome to the real world.

Goodbye, cruel world....

Goodbye, cruel world
I'm going at last,
to a place far away
as I dreamed in the past.
To find who I am,
to learn who I was,
why I do what I do,
for belief, or just 'cause.
To remember my longings
of long, long ago,
to remember the me
that's for me, not for show.
To take some more steps
down the path that I'm on.
To be here, right now
and to look down beyond
what I see or I hear
or I taste, touch or smell.
Acknowledge who I was,
know I can get well.
I have to, I will
No more just standing still
I'm perched, like a bird
on my white window sill.
Ready to take off
and to try out my wings.
No more thinking of silly things,
like sapphrire rings.
A leap and a jump,
throw myself to the wind,
don't know where I'll end up
as I whirl and spin
out of control of my own
destination, but on track,
in the hands of the One
who can take up my slack.
Who can order my steps
as I dance and I run.
I'll pirouette on my grave,
then I'll laugh at the sun.
So now here I am,
primed and ready to go,
tensely waiting, I'm waiting,
tomorrow's coming too slow.
So I'll travel by plane,
train, shuttle & bus
With a sign on my heart
reading"New York or bust".

Grande jete

Take a leap of faith...
Look before you leap...
Ten lords a-leaping...nine ladies dancing...
....and they went dancing and leaping and praising God...
Throw caution to the wind...

just jump.

Fiona lives

"One man he, disappointed me
He give me the gouge and he take my glee
Now every other man I see
Remind me of the one man who disappointed me

Wait til I get him back
He won't have a back to scratch
Yeah keep turnin' that chin
And you will see my face as I figure how to kill what I cannot catch"

Fiona Apple, "Get Him Back", Extraordinary Machine

First day of the rest of my life

"This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
Their spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said evertything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Then waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me."

- Bright Eyes, "First Day Of My Life"

Harmless......well, mostly

" 'It goes like this. Let's see now:
"Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowng that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know aobut. Amen."
That's it. It's what you pray silently inside yourself anyway, so you may as well have it out in the open.'
'Hmmm', said Arthur. 'Well, thank you -'.
'There's another prayer that goes with it that's very important', continued the old man, 'so you'd better jot this down, too'.
'Okay'.
'It goes, "Lord, lord, lord..." It's best to put that bit in, just in case. You can never be too sure. "Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. Amen."
And that's it. Most of the trouble people get into in life comes from leaving out that last part.' "

- Mostly Harmless, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

do you read me?

Frantic static needing release

calm winds of reassurance
rustle briefly through the leaves
of attempts at vague indifference

Fear vs. Faith

How often in life have I second-guessed myself and the natural discernment and intuition that I know God has given me?
And why?
Because the details and plans went against everything my feeling was telling me.
Because it makes more sense to trust what you can see than what you can't.
But faith being "hoping in the evidence of things unseen", why do so many Christians seem to encourage you to ignore the gut feeling & look to the logistics for signs of what God wants you to do?

All Up To Me

No one else to consider, no one else to complain.
No one to ask me why I'm going so slow in the fastest of lanes.
No one else to get dinner for, no one to ask for a drink
No one to tell me my hair don't look right, or my necklace has too many links.
No one to kiss before walking inside,
No one to stand behind, nowhere to hide.
No one to look to in an uncomfortable room,
No one to laugh with at a drunken bufoon.
No one to tell me how to wash my own hair,
No one's chest to cry out my secretest fears.
No one to roll over to on a Saturday morn,
No one to to rub IcyHot on a hamstring that's torn.
No one blame for the mess and the dirt,
No one to kiss away the pain and the hurt.
No one to ask except me, I and mine,
No one now has their own claim on my time.
The ups and the downs,
The goods and the bads,
Are all up to me,
Now it's all that I have.

Ochah de gouch

This was my absolute FAVORITE song when I was 2.

"Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love trash

I have here a sneaker that's tattered and worn
It's all full of holes and the laces are torn
A gift from my mother the day I was born
I love it because it's trash

Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love trash

I have here some newspaper thirteen months old
I wrapped fish inside it; it's smelly and cold
But I wouldn't trade it for a big pot o' gold!
I love it because it's trash

Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love trash

I've a clock that won't work
And an old telephone
A broken umbrella, a rusty trombone
And I am delighted to call them my own!
I love them because they're trash

Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love, I love, I love trash!"
Oscar the Grouch, "I Love Trash"

Wasted Unconditional Love

"What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen

Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson

What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded

My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about to settle
And when it counts you recoil
With the cryptic word and leave love belittled

Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well"

Fiona Apple, "Oh Well", Extraordinary Machine

Love i snow here

I could trace your lips or throw your shadow on the wall,
but I could never replace you, I can't make you that small.
I have gone to hell, and not am back yet,
seen how things have changed, but will never forget
the feel of your skin, fingers tangled in mine,
the taste of your lips, like smoky red wine.
The pain in my soul will haunt me for good,
knowing what I let go, and would take back if I could.
But it's not up to me, the ball's not in my court,
my second chances are up, opportunities cut short.
I stand with my arms open wide, hand outstretched,
but my offer grows cold, love thrown back at my chest.
The more difficult choice of reconciliation
won't be made in light of a more pleasing affiliation.
Apparently it's easier to start over, slate wiped clean,
ignore that the past just needs mending of seems.
Take the easy way out, just a slap on the wrist,
roll over to new-ness, with a punch and a kiss.
Like mother, like son, no matter how hard they come
"I hear you scream 'Save me!' but I doubt you know what from".

Fuck Kelly Clarkson......

So when do you know when to give up? At what point is it just foolish to keep trying to make the impossible obtainable?

I have lived so much of my life in fear and indecision.....plauged by thoughts that question my ability to do something (anything) that might affect or alter the course of my life. Petrified that some slip, some flawed perception will throw me so far off that I'll never regain my footing.
And so, I don't move....I don't step in any direction for fear that it might be the wrong one.

Until recently. Throughout the hell that has been my life for the past two months I have realized that every part of me had atrophied while I had been standing still. And because of that, not only did I lose the thing most dear to me, but I was in grave danger of losing everything else as well.

So I made decision. I decided to do something that I have always wanted to do, and began the process necessary to make it happen. Only now it's falling apart. I finally stepped out, made a wish, took a risk, took a chance, made a change, brokeaway.......and what do I get? A bunch of shit that is all tumbling down around my ears.

And all I keep getting told is, "you know, if it doesn't work out, then you know it wasn't God". Well fuck that. Am I just supposed to sit on my ass and see if everything falls into place before making a decision? But on the other hand, if I everything that I try to work out and put together just falls apart then what am I trying for in the first place?

I've put everything on the line and stepped out on a limb to actually do something, so what do I do now if it doesn't work out?

Basically I'm fucked no matter what I do.

"Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.
What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun?"
Ecclesiastes 1:2-3

Grand Farwell

So not everyone gets such a grand finale.
I got a full 10 minute fireworks display, right in my backyard.
Okay, so we'll just ignore the fact that they happened at the end of the baseball game that just happened to end right at the time that I was driving away from the home that my love and I shared for 2 years (for better and for worse).
We'll just pretend that it was my cosmic sendoff to bigger and better things (hopefully things that explode in an exuberent array of colors that sparkle as they stream to the earth below - but not exploding in that painful kind of way...just in the pretty sparkley way).
So many memories....so much time....wasted? I don't think so.....so much was learned and so much was grown, I can't believe that it was all for naught.
Things are different now. And things will be different from here on out. Even if things return, they will be different and (God-willing) better.
But for now I can only remember with a sad smile, and cry a bittersweet tear.
For I know what I want, and I know what I need, and I know what I feel.....but none of it matters if it's not returned......it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to leave things in Hands bigger and stronger than these.
"Help me to trust as much as I long to love".
I sound so much stronger than I feel.....I can only hope that I am.