Blue pill or red?

I don't think I like the real world.
People, things, stuff, time, pain, nothing and everything all at once.
I'm wearing out my welcome.
But what's the alternative?
A dream world in which lies are truths that are cardboard at best.
And sooner or later the dream bleeds away, and the real world eventually gouges it's way through anyway.
And the longer you're away, the harsher reality becomes.
This morning I awoke almost happy.
I had dreamed of a former love, and something that I had desired for years seemed a possibility.
Then I realized that it was only a dream, and that even the hope from my dream was for something that I no longer had any desire for whatsoever.
So maybe the dream world is actually the most painful of all.
Not from the dreaming itself, but from the waking that is inevitable.
Maybe I prefer the real world afterall.

Moanings of a second fiddle

Fiddling should be for dancing.
For laughing and loving and playing.
For reminding of the joys of life.
And, in theory, 2 fiddles should be better than 1.
Unfortunately, what works at a barn dance does not translate as easily to life.
What happens when it has to be one or the other?
Do you take both or none or do you simply have to choose?

It's hurts to realize that, at some point, the tune changed.
Somewhere along the line, somebody changed their mind.
Maybe a string broke and nobody noticed until too late.
Or maybe the bow just needed more rosin.
Whatever the problem, no matter how easily fixable,
the dancers are waiting, toes tapping impatiently....
And the second fiddle has been ready and waiting to pounce on just such an opportunity.
And while the second one seems new and unused, it's not. Just different.
The old one has played it's heart out and really only needs a good tuning and maybe a new set of strings.
But it's easier to just make the switch.
This way you don't have to miss a beat.
Everything keeps moving and everyone keeps dancing.
And now there's a new second fiddle.
Tired and worn and laying in the case.
Waiting for the day when someone realizes that, without much work at all, it can again make the people laugh and dance and play.
But until then, being a second fiddle really sucks.

And R.E.M. sings

it hurts
and I breathe
it hurts
and I think
it hurts
and I feel
it hurts
and I dance
it hurts
and I sing
it hurts
and I live

But everybody hurts.
somehow, that's comforting.

That's all I have to say about thaaat.

blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

hrrmph. sniff, blink blink...

blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

"She thinks my tractor's sexy...."

So I do have computer access this week.....in a room COMPLETELY decked out in John Deere Tractor...well, everything. As in bedspread, sheets, pillows, calander, posters, curtains, chalkboard & lightswitch cover. There is even a full-color, gold framed photo of a John Deere Tractor. All I know is this has to be some kind of freaky fetish that I've never heard of.

So I guess I'm an okay teacher afterall, even though I still feel a little out of practice. And I'm definately a little over-enthusiastic. As in, after my 3 classes yesterday, I could barely get out of bed this morning. The teacher usually isn't supposed to be more sore than the students after a hard class.

I guess I'm off.....

So, as soon as I hit "publish" on this post I will be getting in my car and heading to Lexington, KY (every time I type the abreviation to that state I have the urge to giggle and start thinking dirty thoughts) to teach at a dance intensive for a week. I am so overwhelmed and nervous and scared and tired and brain-dead. This is something I've wanted to do for years, and now I'm just frustrated that it's happening now at a time when I'm so emotionally drained and unprepared. I'm so worried that I'm going to fall on my ass and make a fool of myself. I know this is what I do and closer to what I want to do with my life than anything else I've done in a while, but I so don't want to go an do this this week.
To all of you who have helped me these last couple of weeks and are continuing to help me over the next several weeks......I have no words with which to thank you enough. Just when I was losing my faith in people in general and my friends in particular.....you all mean more to me than you know.
If I can ask for one more thing for this week.....I would ask for your prayers. I'm so scared and sad and lonely and I just don't know if I can do it.

I don't know if I will have access to a computer this week or not, so for now, I'm off to K Y (heehee).

Sirens

"In pitch dark i go walking in your landscape.
Broken branches trip me as i speak.

Just 'cause you feel it doesnt mean its there.
Just 'cause you feel it doesnt mean its there.

There's always a siren
Singing you to shipwreck
(Don't reach out, don't reach out
Don't reach out, don't reach out)
Stay away from each rocks
We'd be a walking disaster
(Don't reach out, don't reach out
Don't reach out, don't reach out)

Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean its there.
(theres someone on your shoulder)
Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean its there.
(theres someone on your shoulder)

There there!
Why so green and lonely?
And lonely
And lonely
Heaven sent you to me
To me
To me
We are accidents
Waiting waiting to happen.
We are accidents
Waiting waiting to happen."
- Radiohead, "There There"

Sour-grape flavored

how does love grow sour?
how can a life-long committment expire?

I'm more delicate than I let on
and stronger than I feel......

or so I'm told.

nice ass....

So, I'm not sure when it happened,,,,,but somewhere along the way I apparently became an ass girl. ; )

I never used to notice, but I guess when it's good it's reeaalllly good.

hard

try to do better
try to be stronger
try to eat healthy
try to feel happy
try to sound okay
try to see clearer
try to taste different

can't please everyone

maybe i try too hard.....

or maybe just not hard enough

Dittos....but not in the Rush Limbaugh sort of way....

Ditto to yesterday's blues.....that times the $80,580 that I thought I misplaced.

Wholesale Blues

Brain abuzzing,
heart apounding....

$2,086,546.92 later.....
after a $60,309 mistake.....that fortunately (I think) turned out not to be a mistake afterall.....

I think I need a drink.

Personal Ad

Who am I? A 5' 2 1/2", 116lb, wannabe dancer/artist with scoliosis & acid reflux who likes fireworks and Batman. A procrastinating, self-indulgent, overly-emotional little girl that talks too much. A reluctant 25 year-old who regrets not taking more pictures over the last 5 years. Fatally insecure, hopelessly heartbroken, and just trying to make sense of it all.

Maybe I'm prophetic....

"Pixie dust falling,
sparks flying fast.
With hearts aimed at the sky,
who's to blame when it's past?

A courting courtyard charmer,
dark knight in hooded cloak.
But buzzards pick up the pieces
when the fledgling romance chokes.

To "dance in the risk of each other"
to quote Dave, the world's greatest dream.
But what the fuck to do now,
[as] this dance falls apart at the seams?

From one world to another,
now with starry eyes they leap,
tangled up in each other
before falling into the deep.
[Leaving behind] a forgotten fairy
reduced to sparkling dust in a heap."
- RMH, 4/26 & 28/02

Reactions

"Taste the flavor. Sometimes I just want to savor the moment. But in your discomfort you hide from emotion, that potion, the lotion that soothes the dry patches. I latch onto you, try to prove my love is true. I sigh and I moan ‘til I’m black and blue. I wanna be black like you. To feel you reveal you. To see you be you. I want to go through you with you. But I kiss you then piss you off with every turn. I yearn to be near you but fear you, sometimes. “My time, this is my time”, the spoiled brat in me cries. I scream, then won’t scream, I sing, then won’t sing, needing a pat on the back, then a swat over your knee. My plea is to see…just to see the real me. Not through eyes of society or my warped reality or even my false humility. I want to be kissed and praised like a little girl in bows, and then stand alone, courageous in my fight to do what is right. But what’s right? How should I know, I’m just a little girl in her bows. What do I do? I haven’t a clue. I want to live long, be strong, hate evil, love truth, do right, be a light. This little light of mine burn bright through the night. This flight, my plight is to learn about love and truth from He above through whom all things come from. But what do I know? I await your reaction."
- RMH, 7/28/02

25

Happy birthday to me.

My Profile

Well, I listen to U2 and Coldplay. My favorite TV shows are Smallville & Angel. I loved Fight Club & Harry Potter . I saw all of the LOTR movies, but couldn't quite make it through the books.
There. Do you feel like you know me? Does that tell you what kind of person I am?
If I make a coy, witty comment on you "blog" does that make me worthy to be your friend?
When you fill in those blanks on the profile page, you're not just listing your interests, you're filling out an application for how you will be henceforth catagorized by all who read the content therein.

Transplant

Sadness creeps into my bones
replacing the marrow with sorrow

the morning is what I dread
the pain, the overwhelming effort of choice
the choice to struggle through another day
if only when I closed my eyes the world really went away
but when it does, I'm left alone with my thoughts
and then the true torture begins
to each his own masochism

drained of life, drowned in pain, drawn to the conclusion that....................

exactly.

Dinner & a Movie

So I have a date with myself. I made myself dinner & am taking myself to a movie. Not orginal, I know, but it's early in the relationship, so I think I'll take things kind of slow. You know, see where it goes.

combustication is a welcomed vacation...

"A decade ago I never thought I would be
At twenty three (or twenty-five rather)
On the verge of spontaneous combustion
Woe-is-me
But I guess that it comes
With the territory
An ominous landscape of never ending calamity
I need you to hear
I need you to see
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like
A definite possibility to me

So pardon me while I burst into flames
I've had enough of the world
And it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn
And rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me
I'll never be the same
Not two days ago
I was having a look
In a book and I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said, "I can relate,"
Cause' lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from
The burdens of the planet earth
Like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D
And thinking so much differently

So pardon me while I burst into flames
I've had enough of the world
And it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn
And rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me
I'll never be the same"
- Incubus, "Pardon Me"

good things:

- a "lucky" puppy

- memory of Gavin Rosdale as a "glycerine" demon

- a new Batman anything

- friendly expressions of support

- a dollar-an-hour raise

- getting a dollar-an-hour raise and still not being tempted to stay

- being let into a friend's "oddy" world

- 11:59pm movie showings

- a foster home for abandoned imaginary friends

- water bills under $10

- watching Seth Green suck down a bug through a pussywillow

- lime flavored water

- streets that have no names

Breaking......

"Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safer in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one
Who battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

Cultured my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I dont want to be the one
Who battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one that falls
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"
- Linkin Park, "Breaking The Habit"

Nothing

"It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor and guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
All the flowers that u planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Piece of peas (I mean peace)

I need peace.....just a piece of peace.

I once knew how to trust God. I'm not sure when I stopped. He never gave me a reason to stop. I somewhere along the way started trying to take care of things myself & control my situations. At some point "just" praying for something seemed not to be enough. I want to be able to DO something and see immediate results. But I can't anymore.....I've controled things right out of my hands. I HAVE to trust God, because it is my last option (not that that's a good reason, but I guess it's a start).

A wise and true friend once told me, "do you really think you're important enough that you can make a decsion that completely screws up God's will for your life?" Well, I guess that even more so, do I really think that someone else is important enough to make a decsion that completely screws up God's will for my life.

I want that peace again that comes from trusting God. From knowing that it's not up to me. But I know that I can't just trust Him to work things out how I want them....I have to be able to trust no matter what the outcome. And right now, that's what scares me shitless.

actions shout

words mean shit........repentance is useless without actions........words are nothing without actions to prove their intent.

I think I answered my own question (see from a safe distance....), forgiveness has to be given....well, because it has to be (whether it's asked for or not). But trust should not be given until there are actions that can back up sentiments to prove sincerity. Apologies are great for making things feel better (for both parties), but they mean nothing unless actual changes are made. In a situation of wrong-doing, you have to be sorry enough to do something about it. If you just stay in the situation, then all the apology is good for is to make you feel less guilty & more justified in the current state of being.

Wisdom from the Demonic Rabbit

The world is such a very lonely place. So many people searching for someone....anyone....to feel connected to. It's sad & inspiring at the same time. Everyone reaching out in their own unique way in hopes of....what? To feel loved? To feel validated? To feel respected? Or maybe just in a vain attempt to quell the primitive fear of dying alone. But Frank is right, everyone does indeed die alone.

Sad

adj. sad·der, sad·dest
Affected or characterized by sorrow or unhappiness.
Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.
Causing sorrow or gloom; depressing: a sad movie; sad news.
Deplorable; sorry: a sad state of affairs; a sad excuse.
Dark-hued; somber.

[Middle English, weary, sorrowful, from Old English sæd, sated, weary. See s- in Indo-European Roots.]

Synonyms: sad, melancholy, sorrowful, doleful, woebegone, desolate
These adjectives mean affected with or marked by unhappiness, as that caused by affliction.
Sad is the most general: “Better by far you should forget and smile/Than that you should remember and be sad” (Christina Rossetti).
Melancholy can refer to lingering or habitual somberness or sadness: a melancholy poet's gloomy introspection.
Sorrowful applies to emotional pain as that resulting from loss: sorrowful mourners at the funeral.
Woebegone suggests grief or wretchedness, especially as reflected in a person's appearance:
“His sorrow... made him look... haggard and... woebegone” (George du Maurier).
Desolate applies to one that is beyond consolation: “No one is so accursed by fate,/No one so utterly desolate,/But some heart, though unknown,/Responds unto his own” (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow).

what make me bleed

"what i give to you is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she’s still too young to treat..."
- Damien Rice, "Volcano"

from a safe distance....

Where is the line between trust & naivete?

How many times do you let your guard down & let someone in when each time the stabs only get deeper? And what if the knife is in up to the hilt & they come back again saying the same things?

I'm always so quick to believe with sincerity....I want so badly to trust....but at what price? I don't want to simply become cynical & bitter, but where do I find the balance?

How do I learn to forgive at an arm's length?

Demons...

"If you ever feel neglected,
If you ever think all is lost,
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah,
Hoping everything’s not lost.
Everything’s not lost, when I’m counting up my demons.
There’s always one for everyday,
With the good ones on my shoulder,
I drove the other ones away."
- Coldplay, "Everything's Not Lost"

bad mornin', bad mornin'

I am absolutely convinced. Morning is the most excruciatingly horrible part of the day. It's the same every day....by the time night rolls around things have become reasonably tolerable & oddly enough basic function seems to return, but as soon as that alarm goes off, the pain starts all again, as fresh as ever. There's really got to be a way to do away with mornings. As soon as I figure out the physics I'll be sure to let everyone one know.

10 days from 25

10 days from 25 & on my own....no one to check in with, but no one to care if I make it home okay....no one to be obligated to, but no one to come home to.
What do you do when there's always been someone to say where to go or what to do?
I know what to do, but not how to do it.
I think this definately qualifies as a "quarter-life crisis".

Soul Anorexia

words....

what do you say when the world comes crashing down around your ears? when your heart is broken in a million pieces and scattered to the wind? when you watch your hope of a life go around and around and finally swirl down the drain? what words are there in any human tongue that can be said? they all sound hollow.

alone

I've never felt more alone.....

the dark side...

Fear leads to anger....anger to hatred...hatred to the dark side.

For as crappy as the 3 Star Wars prequels are, they still had their moments of profoundness.

Anakin, through his motive of doing whatever it took to hold onto what he thought he could not live without, lost that along with everything else he thought, believed, cared for or ever wanted.
And, while I do understand the nigh profanity of comparing myself to the great Vader, I feel that I am in danger of the same fate (but without the cool outfit).

Lowest of the low...

Surely I am the lowest of all creation....I am nothing. I once had something, I once had someone...I once was something, I once was someone. I have to start from the beginning, but I have to find the beginning first. I must learn to trust, I must learn to love...but even first, I must come to understand what it truly means to love and to trust. How could I have slept for so long? I wake now to find the world not at all as I left it. And not liking what I've found or who I've become. I want to love...I want to trust...please Someone, show me the way.

"He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense." - C.S. Lewis, The Problem Of Pain, pg. 33

I have to learn to believe that.