Itsalljusttoomuch

Trying to take charge of the unsettled, the unsure

Marking the feel of life on the wings of a fantasy

I believe that you believe that you mean what you say

But too many factors play on the changes of each day

And then real life gets in the way

You have so many hopes and so many dreams that clash with me and with each other

At what point is it ok to walk away?

Is it selfish for me to say that I just can't deal?

Peeling back the emotions and the romance reveals

the brokenness that just hasn't had time to heal

Somewhere between unsure...

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love ...

...You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

We're only taking turns

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
I found a friend or should I say a foe
Said there's just a few things you should know
We don't want you to see we come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
But take it from me we don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me we don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
This traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And then again maybe you don't
And then again maybe you won't

When you're older you might understand
When you're older you might understand"

The cave

Knowing who you are is hard.

Reclaiming yourself is harder.

What is it about betrayal that steals everything that you were and makes you doubt the very essence of your being?

I guess when the people who are supposed to be the closest and care the most, then stab you in the back, you are left only to wonder how someone could actually do that to you. And then you consider the possibility that maybe it's you...that people just don't treat each other like that and that there must be something wrong with you for someone who supposedly cared to even be capable of doing something so awful to you.

"And I'll find strength in pain,

and I will mend my ways.

I'll know my name as it's called again.

Cause I need freedom now,

and I need to know how

to live my life as it's meant to be."

Integrity

Adherence to moral and ethical principles

Soundness of moral character

Honesty

The state of being whole, entire or undiminished

The quality or condition of being whole or undivided

Completeness

I am having a clear-headed moment....

....I am on the edge of completely loosing control of being able to focus or slow things down....If I am not incredibly careful, I will completely lose sight of what I want, even in him or in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. I cannot become obsessed or let it overtake me. I am doing EXACTLY what I said I wouldn't do, EXACTLY what I was afraid of, and EXACTLY what I know my tendency is to do. I have to be aware and be careful or I could lose everything. Lord, please help me find balance. I take things to such ridiculous extremes. Please help me to give this to You and not strive to make it happen. Please please help me to trust You and just let it happen if its meant to. And if its not, then I don't want it anyway. Pleeeeeeease help me not be so fatally addicted to attention - especially from boys.....

What's wrong with me??

Am I some kind of monster?

Sometimes my heart feels like a stone....or maybe more like a shelled walnut (like Angel's).

I want so badly to feel something that sometimes I think maybe I manufacture it.

Have I been playing games? Am I that desperate for attention? Am I that insecure that I will violate the trust (even if it's only implied) that someone I care about has placed in me?

And even as I sit here, mortified with myself, I can't honestly say that if I reversed time I would have probably done anything differently.

And that's fucked up.