The innocent can never last

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
[five] years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
twenty [-five] years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends"

- Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

Kill the queen

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before,
and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find
that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be
one of the hive will I choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find
that when I drive myself my light is found.
So whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
Yeh. Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine....
hold the wheel and drive?"

Incubus, "Drive"

Depressing ramblings

What do you do when just nothing feels right?
I didn't ask for any of this and now it's my responsibility to deal with.
I know I'm whining, and I know these feelings are mostly due to PMS,
and I know that everyone has their burdens to bear.
But there are times (like today) that I just don't know if I can handle mine.
I feel alone. Utterly and completely.
I feel worthless and desperate and like a silly little girl that people simply put up with.
I know that I let people (at least some of them) make me feel like that.
I know that I am an intelligent person with lots of passion and feelings and emotions that sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) cloud my judgement.
I'm just so tired.
I'm tired of taking care of things.
I'm tired of feeling bad for not doing something right.
I'm tired of being sorry.
I'm so tired of being tired.
There are so many things that I want,
and I want them right now.
I feel like I have wasted so much time
and I dont' want to waste a second more.
I know I can't be in denial about my back any more
(I've let things go too far as it is),
but I don't think I have the strength to do this on my own.
This is the one thing in my life where, for as much as I complain about everything else, I have always been alone.
Like an outsider, like a freak.
And then I found someone who cared.
Someone who released the pressure and who made me feel special not just in spite of it,
but because of it.
I finally realized that I wasn't in this thing alone anymore.
I had someone who would be by my side and hold my hand the whole way.
But now here I am.
Freakishly alone again.

All the boys I've loved before....

there was the one that began with my fame in fishing

the one that was a friend first and then a friend later

the one who has known me through and since all my "pent up emotions from high school"

the one who was in constant need of my expert advice

the one that got away

the one who was too young

the one I led on

the one I would have settled down with

the one I could have settled for

the one I will always run away with

Throughout the years they have changed places in my heart, but once they arrive at a place in my head, they're stuck there for good.
There will always be the playful friend to cuddle with and the one with whom I would jump at another chance with.
But maybe not with who they are now, it's who they were then that stays with me.
So many dreams, so many memories.
They have all played me, and I them.
I have learned much from each and hope that some could say the same of me.
I only wish to become wiser and stronger and better...as a friend, girlfriend, lover, woman to whomever comes next.

The tension is here

"Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before"

- Switchfoot, "Dare You To Move"

I can do it

I will become better
I will get stronger
I will surpass my former self
I will never stop pushing
I will never stop trying
I will quit attempting to get back what was lost
I will achieve something new
I will accept my limitations, but refuse to give in to them
25 is just the beginning.

"One day I'll get you and teach you how to get to purest hell..." (because that's where I've put myself)

"...You do it to yourself, you do
And that's why it really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself, you do
And that's why it really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself.. yourself.. yourself.."
- Radiohead, "Just"

Humans being

I want to be a part of something.
Something bigger than just me.
Something I can believe in,
Something that I can contribute to.
Maybe this feeling is an attempt to quell the staggering loneliness that threatens to engulf me...
or maybe it's something more.
Something more primal and closer to the core of all humanity.
The need for a bigger goal, for something to work towards, something to be associated with and to find an identity in.
The belief that my mundane existance is not for naught.
Maybe that feeling is part of what makes me human.

Too much....and not nearly enough

So much to see
so much to learn
so much to do
so much to be
not enough time
not enough money

(is it bad to secretly wish for some distant relative, that I didn't know I had, to die and leave me lots of money?)

Jogo bonito

"Ai, ai, Aide, jogo bonito que quero ver...
Jogo bonito que quere aprender.

Ai, ai, Aide, play pretty 'cause I want to see...
play pretty 'cause I want to learn"

Stolen bliss

At least somebody is happy.....even if it is my happiness that they have.

Fishy moon

All I can see is the moon tonight.
The sky is full of clouds and the stars are hiding.
A mishapen moon that smells of dead fish.

Everybody's Fault But Yours

"Everything has got a sense of permanence attached to it

sucks you in and feeds you until finally you're used to it

and now you're so dependent

now you're so defensive

now you're finding reasons why they're all wrong

so in love with all your vices

you can't change or move on

and it comes to this

such tragic endings

you shake your fist

just stop pretending

it comes to this

such tragic endings

it's hit or miss

just stop pretending now

everyone keeps asking you "what exactly happened?"

you've got all these excuses

but you don't have an answer

because you don't know yourself

you don't know your own weaknesses

you're always innocent

because you're never honest

so wrapped up in your perspective

morality has become an opinion

it comes to this

such tragic endings

you shake your fist

just stop pretending

it comes to this

such tragic endings

it's hit or miss

just stop pretending now

you wanted to be left alone

but you wanted someone to say

"boy I'm always here for you"

but you can't have it both ways

now no one know what you've done

no one knows what you've done

no one knows what you've done

and it's just as well

the only thing that comforts me

is knowing that you'll never be happy."

Disparagement

My love is dead.
A lifetime of looking forward to a friendship like this.
Only to be tossed away, discarded and abandoned.
What I had to offer wasn't enough.
The order was made, the course prepared and presented,
only to be sent back with a harsh word that it had been gotten all wrong.
With an upturned nose it was sent back, thrown out with the garbage.
Another path was chosen.
The love of a lifetime diminished to sour words and empty feelings.
Or so I've been told.
It was all nothing.
It was, and will always be nothing.
If this much pain could be caused by nothing,
then what is to become of me if I ever find something more?

Answering for myself

"We'd hit the bottom,
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about

Moved to the west coast away from everyone
She never told me that you called
Back when I was still, I was still in love

Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
Had to leave myself behind
I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up...I've landed

The daily dramas she made from nothing
So nothing ever made them right
She liked to push me and talk me back down
Until I believed I was the crazy one,
and in a way
I guess I was...

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye I tried
Treading a sea of a troubled mind
Had to leave myself behind
Singing bye-bye, goodbye I tried

If you wrote me off I'd understand it
Because I've been on some other planet
So come pick me up...
I've landed

And you will be so
happy to know
I've come alone,
it's over

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's by my goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's OK to call
Now I'll answer for myself

Come pick me up,
...I've landed"

- Ben Folds, "Landed"

A new time, a new life, a new name...

So hello Nashville!
I'm baaaacccck.
New York was....well, a whole other world.
I had an amazing, crazy, wonderful time & now have lots of new experiences (both good & not so much) to think about and try to process.
I learned things about myself that I never wanted to know, trained under some of the world's more renowned artists, and discovered a new love.
So now it's back to real life. But not real life as I ever known it.
I am precariously perched on the edge of a clean slate, and marks that are made this time are entirely up to me.
Will they be helpful or hindering? Inspiring or entangling?
Who do I wish to be? How will I make that happen?
Questions that have nagged at the back of my soul for as long as I can remember.
Questions that I have put off and tried to ignore out of fear and indecision.
I've wasted too much and lost too many to ignore them anymore.
So off I go, continuing my quest to find myself, to discover my true name, my real identity.
Until then, I will by signing off as Dobradica (there is a story behind this name...if you care to know, just ask).

What a world, what a world (Lessons of life from the big city)

We live in a world of fast lanes, one-way streets, redneck comedians, blue-haired hookers, bloodthirsty pitbulls & tame lions.

A world where teddy bears can make any child smile, and a legend becomes legendary only in death.

A world where black is black and white is white...unless the brush happens to dip into the ink of another culture and paint a different type of story.

A world of smoke bombs, dirty bombs, mail bombs, car bombs and da bomb (but oddly enough, no WMD's).

A world of post-it notes and paperclips, of poverty and harelips.

A world with a McDonald's, a Starbucks and a porn store on every corner.

A world that applauds triumph over pain and oppression, while at the same time turning a deaf ear to the voices weak with hunger whispering a request for spare change.

A world where the site of terror and death has become a tourist attraction to point at and take photos of.

A world where you can spell out your life history through a series of boxes to be checked or unchecked.

A world where we change the channel from a Feed The Children commercial, but will watch an infomercial about a revolutionary blender for an hour.

A world that admires and respects spirituality...as long as you keep it to yourself.

A world in which money equals freedom. No matter how you make it, earn it, steal it or keep it.

A world in which sensuous tongues speak lies in poetry. Anything to make the girls swoon...right into their bed.

A world that makes beautiful music, and even more beautiful people through whose veins the music flows.

A world where teenagers apologize for saying the "F" word, but will fuck anything in sight.

A world where a church will spend thousands of dollars on a state-of-the-art sound and light system with one hand, and with the other do away with bus routes that bring the poor kids to youth group due to "financial reasons".

A world where talent and passion simply are not enough.

A world where grass grows to be walked on, flowers grow to be picked and chickens are grown to be deep-fat fried.

A world that has made madmen of us all...or is it we who have made the world mad?

The world in which we now live is as lovely as it is treacherous...as fruitful as it is barren...as helpful as it is heartless.

How easy it is to choose to make the world a better place at its grandest levels, with our charities, our institutions, our foundations.
But why do we so often fail to fix the world one moment at a time?

Cynicism threatens my very existence, it's claws are at my throat.
But then I feel the hand of a stranger help lift the cumbersome weight of my overpacked suitcase, carrying it up not 1 or 2, but 3 seemingly endless flights of stairs in the hot, stale air of the subway.

This world seems to be made up of moments, not events.
Of split-second reactions and of second chances.

2 minutes of genuine consideration is worth twice as much as 2 hours of idle small talk.

It's been such a long life...and yet it frightens me how quickly it passes by.

I think I have hope for the world yet. I have to. If I don't choose to take care of it, who will?