Even better than the real thing

It seems like the idea of me is much better than the real thing.

I constantly have people tell me how great I am.  And that might sound like a bragging thing to say, but it's true.  And it comes from all kinds of different people who know me for and from lots of completely different scenarios and situations....musicians, students, friends, artists, fellow dancers....and men.  If I had a shooting star for every time in the past 6 months I've been told that I am the most amazing, beautiful, sexy, talented, incredible, worthwhile, girl in the world, then I'd have wishes enough to last me a lifetime.  So what is it about me that makes them choose to keep me in the "Use In Case Of Emergency" aisle?  I have been flattered with words beyond my wildest dreams....but with absolutely no follow through.  And why do I keep falling for it??  Each and every time I think things are going to be different, but even when I KNOW how things will turn out, I choose to believe that maybe, just maybe this one will prove himself.  But why does it have to be that complicated???  Why do I have to have my guard up so high??  My inability to choose wisely is most likely a whole other giant can of worms in itself that probably warrants all manner of introspection an psycho-analysis....but what is really bothering me right now, the thing that hurts in a way that makes my heart ache and makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out....at what point do I go from being the most amazing girl in the world to nobody? Or even less (or more) than nobody....someone who it's ok to lie to and use and cheat with and not call back.  How does poetry and 5 hour late night phone calls and thoughtful song dedications and opening of minds and hearts turn into nothing?  And all I did was believe it and go out of my way to prove that I believed it and be honest about who I am and what I want....and then I get tossed and ignored.  I've always said that I can deal with just about anything, as long as I actually know what it is....so maybe that's why things like this bother me so much.  If I was told straight up that I'm no longer interesting, that they were only looking for something shallow, that now that they've seen me closer, I'm just not as amazing as they thought....I mean I'm sure that would suck, but at least I would know and could just move the fuck on with my life.  But when the change is ignored...and when I ask, it's blown off like of course there's nothing wrong...that's when I begin to lose my mind.  That's when I start to feel crazy.  That's what makes me think that it has to be me.  When the same situations happen over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....no matter how much your friends try to be nice and explain it all away...the only logical thing is to realize that the only consistent factor in all of your bad luck, in each of these scenarios....is you.