The best of both worlds is a lie

I have to quit pretending.
As much as I wish I could have the best of both worlds,
how can I, when the only way to have both is for each to be a lie.
There is a lesson to be learned from both places, but the lesson can only be learned
in one place or the other.
"How can I argue when, you won't stop making sense"
My heart knows,
no matter what anyone else says,
no matter what other opinions I get or how many others I talk to to try justify what I know in my soul is wrong.
I have been stumbling, wallowing, through stagnate water that I have tried to perfume.
But it's true scent has found me and makes me sick.
I have intellectualized myself right out of my mind,
right out of any former knowledge of how to be or what is right.
"For the gag, and the bind, and the ammunition round.
This is not about love, 'cause I am not in love.
In fact I can't stop falling out.
I miss that stupid ache."
But I don't know how to stop and I don't know how to get it back.