comawaking

The girl who waited

2011-11-01T12:13:00.001-07:00

Waiting weighted with wonderings within and without. Wistful, yet wary of wandering.
Willfully wanting a way forward that would whisk away the distraction of longing, whilst remaining resolute in aforementioned affections. Applying wisdom, weeding out and wiping clear the waning warmth with which my appetite had been whetted. Whistling a wily tune of when and why, my weeping washes the windows of my soul. I reside where I am in this world, both wonderful and weary, worse for the welcome but content to contend for now. And so I wait.

It's evil and it's daunting...

2011-10-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

"I am sick with wanting and it's evil and it's daunting how I let everything I cherish lay to waste.
I am lost in greed, this time it's definitely me, I point fingers but there's no one there to blame.

I am sick of wanting and it's evil how it's got me, and every day is worse than the one before.
The more I have the more I think I'm almost where I need to be, if only I could get a little more.

Something has me acting like someone I don't wanna be.
Something has me acting like someone I know isn't me.
Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed.

Temporary is my time, ain't nothing on this world that's mine except the will I found to carry on.
Free is not your right to choose, it's answering what's asked of you.
To give the love you find until it's gone.

A need for something, now let me break it down again.

A need for something, but not more medicine.

Something has me acting like someone I don't wanna be.

Something has me acting like someone I know isn't me.

Ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed."

- "Ill With Want", The Avett Brothers

Hamster

2011-10-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

Why is it that in wanting something so badly, so intensely, you become your own worst enemy?

The thing you desire most, you can't seem to have because, were you to attain it, you would love it too hard and squeeze it to your death.

Rome

2011-07-14T01:10:00.001-07:00

Rome is burning down in my mind.

Finding every excuse that traces the lines

left behind by smoking remains that glimmer

and reduce all my reasoning to whines and a simper.

Feeling sorry for myself, and abashed to admit

that I may have indulged when I thought I had quit.

Fell off of the wagon and bounced down the road,

rolled under the wheels, then stood up. I suppose

that I'm being too hard on myself once again,

that it's not even necessarily the end.

But when will I learn not to strive and to strain

and to push so damn hard that I nigh burst a vein?

To just chill the fuck out and to just let things go

goes against every inch of all that I know

how to act, how to be, in my head and in life.

So obviously, I need a release...or a knife

to cut out all the crazy, controlling compulsions

that try to create/avoid the revoltion

that inevitably occurs whether I like it or not,

so I might as well get out of my head and my thoughts.

I need a circus man

2011-05-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

Though steel, still beating my heart, passing from stone to ice.
Cold gripping the flow of life from my veins, all that remains from the sweet waters edge.
Dredged from the mud beneath what seemed wet and so clear.
Holding dear to the hope of one still untouched.
Unreached and searching too for one to entrust all the dreams and the truths.
Worn and maybe bruised, but not damaged beyond repair.
Complementary patterns and passions and obsessions.
Redefining life walked as one and as two or possibly five.
Alive and still breathing, not just air, but fire.

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

2011-05-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

"Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart,

naught be all else to me, save that thou art;

Thou my best thought by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word,

I ever with thee and thou with me Lord;

Thou my great Father, I thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.

Be thou my battle shield, sword for the fight;

Be thou my dignity, thou my delight;

Thou my soul's shelter, thou my high tower:

Raise thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise:

Thou mine inheritance now and always;

Thou and thou only first in my heart;

High King of Heaven, my treasure thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,

May I reach heaven's joys, O Bright Heaven's sun!;

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my vision, O Ruler of all."

- English Versification by Eleanor Hull 1912

Unwritten.

2011-04-03T21:16:00.001-07:00

I want to be more.
I want a story.
I want to be the story,
and to write the story.
I want to be important enough to re-write history for.
There is something in me that is worth sharing.
Something worth tearing down for and tearing up over.
I believe.
I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not over-stating.
I am not afraid to fail.
Or if I am, I choose to not let that stop me.
I am not weak.
There is something bigger than me ready to eat it's way out.
But instead of devouring me, it's going to feed me.
And I will be ready.

Even better than the real thing

2011-02-19T23:16:00.000-08:00

It seems like the idea of me is much better than the real thing.

I constantly have people tell me how great I am. And that might sound like a bragging thing to say, but it's true. And it comes from all kinds of different people who know me for and from lots of completely different scenarios and situations....musicians, students, friends, artists, fellow dancers....and men. If I had a shooting star for every time in the past 6 months I've been told that I am the most amazing, beautiful, sexy, talented, incredible, worthwhile, girl in the world, then I'd have wishes enough to last me a lifetime. So what is it about me that makes them choose to keep me in the "Use In Case Of Emergency" aisle? I have been flattered with words beyond my wildest dreams....but with absolutely no follow through. And why do I keep falling for it?? Each and every time I think things are going to be different, but even when I KNOW how things will turn out, I choose to believe that maybe, just maybe this one will prove himself. But why does it have to be that complicated??? Why do I have to have my guard up so high?? My inability to choose wisely is most likely a whole other giant can of worms in itself that probably warrants all manner of introspection an psycho-analysis....but what is really bothering me right now, the thing that hurts in a way that makes my heart ache and makes me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out....at what point do I go from being the most amazing girl in the world to nobody? Or even less (or more) than nobody....someone who it's ok to lie to and use and cheat with and not call back. How does poetry and 5 hour late night phone calls and thoughtful song dedications and opening of minds and hearts turn into nothing? And all I did was believe it and go out of my way to prove that I believed it and be honest about who I am and what I want....and then I get tossed and ignored. I've always said that I can deal with just about anything, as long as I actually know what it is....so maybe that's why things like this bother me so much. If I was told straight up that I'm no longer interesting, that they were only looking for something shallow, that now that they've seen me closer, I'm just not as amazing as they thought....I mean I'm sure that would suck, but at least I would know and could just move the fuck on with my life. But when the change is ignored...and when I ask, it's blown off like of course there's nothing wrong...that's when I begin to lose my mind. That's when I start to feel crazy. That's what makes me think that it has to be me. When the same situations happen over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over....no matter how much your friends try to be nice and explain it all away...the only logical thing is to realize that the only consistent factor in all of your bad luck, in each of these scenarios....is you.

Vadoma

2011-01-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

My own little hole in the world
I just dig deeper and deeper.
I knowingly accept
when Death asks to add his name to my dance card.
Trudging and trifling on and on
I pretend to know, I pretend to be wise
I pretend to be more, to be different,
when really I'm just a scared little girl
who only wants to be told that she's
the prettiest princess in the world.
To know, to be known.
That's all any of us ever really want.
And yet we fight and preen and act offended
if anyone dares to assume that they can see
past the flimsy veil that we attempt to construct.
Thus the dichotomy of being human...
taking pride in staying so well hidden,
yet all the while longing to be known.

Riddler

2010-12-14T12:03:00.001-08:00

I whimper and cry and whine and complain.

Letting loose a refrain of woe and frustration.

Tempting fate to pass me over to the depths of despair,

though in reality I must admit I fare better than most.

Not to boast, but I kind of have it made.

Getting paid to teach and do what I love.

Having time to create and train and hang from above.

So why do I lose focus? Why do I always want what's not there?

Do I care too much or too little?

I feel caught in a maze riddled with holes of procrastinated goals.

How to accomplish my plans and desires, while not losing sight of others?

How to give all of myself, without forgetting who I really am?

How to be satisfied, while staying motivated?

How to trust and love, without getting trampled?

Blah blah blahditty blah blah

2010-11-10T23:53:00.001-08:00

I'm good at procrastination.

Even to the point of kind of living in denial of glaringly obvious facts....

Like the fact that I am officially, completely, undenyingly an adult (not only not a teenager, but even past the twenties...and really seriously, I am having a very hard time even typing that....even in making an ironical point about it)

Or that it's already November and the holidays & everything that comes with them is literally right around the corner.

I am kind of writing this in a weird attempt to force myself to accept reality and get my butt in gear. Because, for as much of a procrastinator as I am, I am also TERRIFIED of slipping off into a coma again and suddenly realizing that it's 2020 and I've done nothing with my life.

I feel like I'm talking/writing in circles. The same themes keep coming up, with no remedy.

I'm scared of getting old.

I'm scared of missing opportunities.

I'm scared of change.

I need to find balance.

Blah blah blahditty blah blah.

I'm feel tired and numbed. I feel like I should have more things figured out by now. At the very least about myself....

Annnnd now I feel like a big whiner....maaayyybe I should call it a night and put the pity-party to rest.

2010-09-21T22:15:00.001-07:00

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
~ mary anne radmacher

Little bird

2010-09-21T22:04:00.001-07:00

Little bird, why are your wings so small?

When you fly, you reach 5 ft and then fall.

Why do you carry such heavy things?

Though shiny, failure is all that they bring.

Drop them and let your wings exercise.

Drop them and push off and open your eyes.

Look up and realize all that you're missing

by wondering bout fish you might have been kissing.

Teach me to fly...

2010-09-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

...I can't until you let go of the things that are holding you down.

Your wings will remain stunted until you allow the chains that tether you to be cut.

The heaviness that you cling to is what keeps you from soaring.

3/12/06

2010-09-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

"I want to be around people who are passionate.

Surrounded by those with a burning creativity.

Such an intense desire they make something that it is all consuming.

Who create, not because they have no choice, but because they want it so bad that they choose to make it happen no matter what.

They choose past the distractions of every day life.

The same way that true courage is doing something in spite of fear, not without it...

A true artist doesn't create simply because there is no other choice, it's in spite of all the other choices that he still chooses to bring his art, his expression, to life.

God, thank you for the fresh start You gave me.

Please help me not to waste it.

Redirection

2010-08-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

I constantly trying to control situations...to redeem or fix things that I have said or done wrong or without thinking. I torture myself by reliving them over and over again until I do anything I can think of to try to undo it...aaaand usually just end up further complicating things or making them worse.

When will I get to a place of trusting God with my mistakes?? (of course it would be ever so much simpler if I could listen better to His voice and guidance, and maybe avoid the bad situation in the first place). My goal is to try to redirect all the energy that I waste on feeling bad about something, into praying for the person or situation. Instead of taking it upon myself to fix everything, I will give things over to the only one true Fixer.

Relationship advice from Cuppies & Joe

2010-08-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

"I would say....

Always hear the other person. Always be pursuing them...

Always communicate everything you're thinking and feeling with the other person.

Never just assume that they wouldn't be interested in what you have to say."

7/18/01

2010-08-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

"It doesn't matter where you dance for Me. I will bless you and be with you wherever you go. Choose life so that you may live and love Me, hear My voice and hold fast to My Words. Don't worry about where to go or what to do. Simply follow Me and be content to rest in My presence. Just be and I will work out the details. So you will know because I have prepared the way. All that really matters is that you are with Me."

Either....or maybe both...

2010-08-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

Emotional horror

Emotional whore

Itsalljusttoomuch

2010-07-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

Trying to take charge of the unsettled, the unsure

Marking the feel of life on the wings of a fantasy

I believe that you believe that you mean what you say

But too many factors play on the changes of each day

And then real life gets in the way

You have so many hopes and so many dreams that clash with me and with each other

At what point is it ok to walk away?

Is it selfish for me to say that I just can't deal?

Peeling back the emotions and the romance reveals

the brokenness that just hasn't had time to heal

Somewhere between unsure...

2010-07-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love ...

...You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

We're only taking turns

2010-07-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

"Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that I'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
I found a friend or should I say a foe
Said there's just a few things you should know
We don't want you to see we come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
But take it from me we don't give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me we don't have honesty
The things we don't want to speak
I'll try to get out but I never will
This traffic is perfectly still

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older you will understand

And then again maybe you don't
And then again maybe you won't

When you're older you might understand
When you're older you might understand"

The cave

2010-07-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Knowing who you are is hard.

Reclaiming yourself is harder.

What is it about betrayal that steals everything that you were and makes you doubt the very essence of your being?

I guess when the people who are supposed to be the closest and care the most, then stab you in the back, you are left only to wonder how someone could actually do that to you. And then you consider the possibility that maybe it's you...that people just don't treat each other like that and that there must be something wrong with you for someone who supposedly cared to even be capable of doing something so awful to you.

"And I'll find strength in pain,

and I will mend my ways.

I'll know my name as it's called again.

Cause I need freedom now,

and I need to know how

to live my life as it's meant to be."

Integrity

2010-07-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Adherence to moral and ethical principles

Soundness of moral character

Honesty

The state of being whole, entire or undiminished

The quality or condition of being whole or undivided

Completeness

I am having a clear-headed moment....

2010-07-09T02:35:00.000-07:00

....I am on the edge of completely loosing control of being able to focus or slow things down....If I am not incredibly careful, I will completely lose sight of what I want, even in him or in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. I cannot become obsessed or let it overtake me. I am doing EXACTLY what I said I wouldn't do, EXACTLY what I was afraid of, and EXACTLY what I know my tendency is to do. I have to be aware and be careful or I could lose everything. Lord, please help me find balance. I take things to such ridiculous extremes. Please help me to give this to You and not strive to make it happen. Please please help me to trust You and just let it happen if its meant to. And if its not, then I don't want it anyway. Pleeeeeeease help me not be so fatally addicted to attention - especially from boys.....

What's wrong with me??

2010-07-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

Am I some kind of monster?

Sometimes my heart feels like a stone....or maybe more like a shelled walnut (like Angel's).

I want so badly to feel something that sometimes I think maybe I manufacture it.

Have I been playing games? Am I that desperate for attention? Am I that insecure that I will violate the trust (even if it's only implied) that someone I care about has placed in me?

And even as I sit here, mortified with myself, I can't honestly say that if I reversed time I would have probably done anything differently.

And that's fucked up.

What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?

2010-06-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

"Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?

It's been there for days on end

And it's been waitin' for you to open up

Just you baby, come on now, I'm trying to tell you just how

I like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally

Say that it's always been me.

That it's made you feel a way you've never felt before

And I'm all you need and that you never want more

Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue

But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix

This is not rooted with you, it don't mean that much to me

You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free

How dare you think you'd get away with tryin' to play me

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest

It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentionin' love?

What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?

I'm takin' these chances and gettin' nowhere

And though I'm trying my hardest you're back to her

And I think that I know things may never change

I'm still hopin' one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before

And I'm all you need and that you never want more

Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue

But you'd save the best for last like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix

This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me

You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free

How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Be despite the truth that I know

I find it hard to let go and give up on you

Seems I love the things you do

Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am

To persist with this heartbreak runnin' around

And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before

And be all you need so that you never want more

Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue

And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you."

- "Best For Last", Adele

A swelling rage

2010-06-20T19:42:00.000-07:00

"Can you lie next to her and give her your heart...as well as your body?

And can you lie next to her and confess your love...as well as your folly?

And can you kneel before the king, and say I'm clean?...

But tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?...

A white blank page and a swelling rage...

You did not think when you sent me to the brink...

You desired my attention but denied my affections...

So tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?..."

Drowning

2010-05-14T11:45:00.001-07:00

Drowning in piles and stacks and heaps

and mounds and fold of clutter that leaps

and follows me hither and to and from

every part of my life they make up the sum

of the hole in my head and the hole in my heart

trading sanity for quantity in pursuing my art.

TO INSPIRE.

2010-05-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

"To affect, guide, or arouse by divine influence.

To fill with enlivening or exalting emotion.

To stimulate to action; motivate.

To draw forth; elicit or arouse.

To be the cause or source of; to bring about."

2009-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Inspiring architecture rises in my mind,

glowing edifices of possibility and opportunity.

Shallow excuses and bland reasons

to not live outside of a self-imposed bubble.

Stories to Escape

2009-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

Stories to escape

Why have I so resisted being inspired here?

A city is a city,

it's up to you to find your place wherever you are.

I've bemoaned my lack of inspiration,

but have staunchly refused to go out and find the pockets of gold.

....Or maybe I have just chosen to remain ignorant.

Good beer, passionate people, good fries,

well-seasoned stories told from well-seasoned souls....

Really, what else do you need??

Just something to believe in.

An Ode To The Fall of Nashville

2009-08-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

I miss Nashville in the fall.

The warm sun and the crisp cool breeze

collaborating and compromising to

maintain a perfect 70 degrees.

The slight feeling of relief that,

as unforgettable as the summer was,

things will soon be settling down to a more

sustainable pace.

Driving through the winding roads with the windows down,

knowing that a glance out

holds the reward of red and gold and green

splashed across the most perfect of

cloudless blue skies.

The air of expectancy,

the breathtaking beauty all around

inspiring creativity and the feeling that anything is possible.

Distractions

2009-08-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

Distractions abound

fireflies of creativity get caught

and suppressed by the obsessive,

compulsive, distracting,

insecure cobwebs

rattling around my brain.

Peace of a fairy

2009-08-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

I, for the first time in my life, think I realize what it means to be Tink...and think I am finally ready to make peace with it.

Balance

2009-07-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

I believe in constantly striving to find balance. There is danger in living at either extreme of almost anything. Whether true balance can ever be attained is something I have yet to find out, but I believe if I ever quit trying to find it then I will truly be lost.

Portland quotes

2009-06-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

"You know, you're searching and searching...I think rebellion just falls away when you find it. And its just peace."

- Suzie

Does not play well with others

2009-06-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

I'm apalled at myself.

Cowardly bloodsuckers

2009-05-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

Yielding, reaching, prodding, preaching.

Untold answers in far away pastures.

Budding prospects turning suspect to piece by piece peel away hope or reason.

Excusing the excuses made for pity's sake.

Fearful stuttering stepping towards nothing.

Giving in to giving up, to save face from no one...the vampires win.

Trading for everlasting night and sorrow to avoid the eventual inevitible.

To exist forever by merely existing.

The facade of lovely bloody reckless abandon to cover fear of truly living towards an end.

Lying, breathing, heart still beating.

Don't take the easy way out.

Could you really live with yourself if you did?

Songwriting experiment

2009-05-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

Looking for something to find,

Fighting for someone to lie,

Searching for someone to hold,

Melting for something to mold.

I miss you Papa

2009-01-29T23:09:00.001-08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...

2009-01-14T22:12:00.000-08:00

"It is said that love is blind. But is it? Actually nothing on earth is as clearsighted as love. The thing that is blind is not love but attachment. An attachment is a state of clinging that comes from the false belief that something or someone is necessary for your happiness."
Anthony De Mello

"My heart is Afriad that it will suffer," the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams."
Paulo Coelho

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Marianne Williamson; Nelson Mandela's '94 Inauguration Speech

Be kind to me, or treat me mean, I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.

2009-01-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

"I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease

-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

Negativity overwhelming, squashing all sense of reason in a season which has seemed more than a little seasoned with lack of reason.

Stumbling around excuses, stubbing my toe on every rock in the road.

Groping to cope, settling for something which isn't even there.

Falling for the mirage of a palace before getting swallowed in the reality of a shack.

Lightly tip-toeing instead of striding confidently ahead.

No more distractions, no more despair; not distraught or under-wrought....just perfectly wrought.

With no word to express the sweet on my tongue as I climb up each rung that gives me the larger view I seem to consistently miss.

No kiss this time around, just a cacophony of bells and sparks with strangers and family, with wine and cold to have and to hold.

Lighting on the cliche that it's only what you make of it, the sun sets and the moon rises over the water and shines on brightly.

"Why believe in a god?”

2008-11-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

" I was crammed into a middle seat. The guy in front was practically in my lap and I had my arms drawn in tightly as I pecked furiously on the keyboard. God glanced over. “What are you working on?” He asked.

“A column,” I said. “About you, in fact.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Oh? What did I do now?”

“Well, not you per se,” I admitted. “It's about this atheist group, the American Humanist Association. They stirred up folks in Washington, D.C., recently by running a billboard on the buses. It said, 'Why believe in a god?”'

God was curious, so I passed Him the computer. Just then, the plane lurched violently. The guy next to me spilled his drink and muttered a curse. God paid no attention. When He finished reading, He passed the computer back. “That's not about me,” He said. “It's about defending their right to free speech.”

“Sure,” I said. “What else would I do?”

God shrugged. “Why not just answer their question?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you know,” He said, “you've got that Thanksgiving holiday coming. Might be appropriate to remind people of who they're thankful to.”

I considered it. “That could be a good idea,” I said.

He gave me a look. “OK, OK,” I said, “ALL your ideas are good. But you know, proving you exist is a heavy-duty philosophical chore. I suppose I could go with the complexity of life argument, talk about how if people see something as unremarkable as a cardboard box they assume it had a maker, but if they see something as intricately designed as a person — or heck, an amoeba — some folks say, 'Oh, it just ... happened.'”

God was unimpressed. “I don't need you to prove I exist,” He said. “I am the great I am, remember? Besides, that billboard doesn't ask for proof of my existence. It asks, why believe? Isn't that a fair question?” He gave me an expectant look.

I looked past him, out the window. We floated above a deck of clouds, the sun falling toward the horizon, the whole world the color of gold. It was like poetry in midair. I said, “I believe because I've seen you. And because I've heard you.”

The plane jolted again. Two rows behind, a baby started shrieking, hitting notes I'd have sworn were impossible for a human larynx. The man ahead of me shifted heavily in his seat. My tray table pressed hard against my stomach.

God gave a smile I couldn't read. “It's not all poetry in the sky,” he said. “Where you see poetry, somebody else sees only a flaming ball of gas circling the Earth, light refracted through crystals of ice and pollution in the air. Where you see eternity, someone else sees an ocean. Where you hear my voice, someone else hears thunder.”

“What are you getting at?” I asked.

“What do you see then?” He said. “What do you hear when no one else sees or hears? When you walk in places where no one knows your name? When you curse the brokenness of your own life? When flood and famine strike the wretched and the vulnerable? When the diagnosis is cancer? Do you see me then? Do you hear me then?”

It took me a moment. “Sometimes,” I said finally. “Not always.” I thought about it a second, then added: “But I'm always trying.”

“Why?” asked God.

I looked past him. The sun seemed to be sinking into the clouds. The sky was growing dark. “Because nothing else makes sense to me,” I said.

God smiled.

The captain announced that we were about to land. We were asked to shut down and stow our electrical equipment. The guy in front returned his seat to its full upright and locked position. The baby kept squalling. Moments later, the plane touched the tarmac. It had been an awful flight and I was glad to be home.

“Thank God,” I whispered.

“You're welcome,” He said. "

- Leonard Pitts - Express-News

Damn it all

2008-11-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

Positives be damned.

Sometimes you just have to admit that things suck.

But admit it and then move on.

Which is better....the coma or the pain?

Fall II

2008-09-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

I want to fall.

I want to let go with no qualms.

I want to not think, not shrink,

go to the brink and not worry.

I want to fall.

I want someone to fall for, fall with, and fall into.

I want to fall with no fear of what will happen or how I will land.

To not strive, to not muscle things through.

To let got with all abandon.

I want to fall.

Fall

2008-09-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Blue trees, green breeze,

bright leaves, stiff knees.

Clear sky, steel try,

pesky flies, Lorelei's.

Less queasin', more breathin',

lovely reasons, favorite season.

2008-09-11T00:04:00.000-07:00

Breathe in breathe out That's all I have to give right now. Reaching, grasping at straws for some kind of inspiration, for some sign that there's a reason for it all, for a glimmer of hope that there's a point to this. Forgive the melodrama, but things really seem this hopeless right now.... So tired, so old, so lost, so cold. Wobbling, teetering between trial and tragedy.

My head hurts.

One

2008-08-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

One breath, one hope, one life, one dream....

That's much too dramatic.

There's always more than one.

Or maybe it just starts as one and multiplies.

Ever growing, ever changing...

until you find it, and it's time to go.

Sore

2008-08-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

My veins are sore.

Tender and bruised from the poking and prodding to see what runs thru.

Silly man, should know you have to breathe.

But when dreams fill the air, it's easy to loose your head.

Dizzy is all that's left.

Not enought blood, not enough air.

Too much life to take all in one swallow

wisdom of Mary Ellen

2008-08-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

"...I'm not so worried about the husband thing right now. In fact, I'm not worried about it at all. What I really want in this life is comradery, companionship. I find that in many people around me, and I have to believe as long as I live honestly and give myself to the things that I am inspired to do and believe in, I will find like-minded people. And honestly, I like all kinds of different people, and find joy in many varied groups of friends and strangers. I am most grateful however for those who understand me, soul to soul... and I suppose that is something I would measure on different levels with different individuals. But I count myself blessed to find understanding and acceptance, grace and love from many folks around me. We don't all talk about the same things, and we certainly aren't doing all of the same things with our lives; but there is true beauty to be found in every soul, and I am truly, truly thankful for those that fit well - intimating with mine - in all the different ways, on all the different days..."

- Mary Ellen Henley, myspace blog "sweeter than honey, my cup of tea", posted July 28, 2008

Change

2008-07-28T19:53:00.000-07:00

I believe in people's ability to change.
I believe that there are some people who are worth giving a second chance.
I believe you can make a living doing something you love,
and I believe it is worth the sacrifices along the way to make that happen.
I believe finding someone who will love you completely and without condition is worth waiting for.
I believe in the power of art to make people think.
I believe in understanding and accepting the consequences of your own actions.
I believe that people must be changed from the inside out.
I believe that true and sincere change is possible,
and I believe that that kind of change is always much harder than you expect it to be.
I believe that the only way for the world to change is for people to believe that the world can change and then do something about it.

You don't scare me anymore

2008-05-01T00:41:00.000-07:00

You don't scare me anymore.
I am choosing to sit in the dark, alone, and listen to the thunder crash.
The rain pounds down and the trees whip and howl with the wind,
But I sit.
Quietly listening to the storm raging outside,
And then I yell louder.
I yell fiercely because I am.
I am not weak, I am not quiet, I am strong.
I refuse to any longer cower and wish for someone to save me.
Someone to come along with the magic to fix it all.
I can be, I choose to be whole.
I will fight, I will create, and I will yell back louder and stronger than anything that comes along.
You don't scare me anymore.
Not because the thunder is different,
but because I am.

Nobody's happy while feeling alone

2008-04-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

"Where am I today? I wish that I knew
'Cause looking around there's no sign of you
I don't remember one jump or one leap
Just quiet steps away from your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too
Feeling this short of a love that we once knew
I'm calling this home when it's not even close
Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines
Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own
But nobody's happy while feeling alone
And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall
We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shad fists at the sky
While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away
It's hard not to wander away"

- "Reasons Why", Nickel Creek

To quote Tavius quoting Jimmy....

2008-04-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

"...and though times such clumsy time, in deciding if it's time.
I'm careful but not sure how it goes.
You can loose yourself in your courage.
The mindless comfort grows when I'm alone with my 'great' plans.
This is what she says gets her through it:
"If I don't let myself be happy now then when?"
If not now when?

When the time we have now ends.
When the big hand goes round again.
Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear them last in the night?"

- "For Me This Is Heaven", Jimmy Eat World

If tomorrow wasn't such a long time, then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all.

2008-04-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

If today was not an endless highway,
If tonight was not a crooked trail,
If tomorrow wasn't such a long time,
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting,
If I could hear his heart softly pounding.
Yes and only if he was lying by me,
Would I lie in my bed once again.

I can't see my reflection in the waters,
I can't speak the sounds that show no pain,
I can't hear the echo of my footsteps,
Or remember the sound of my own name.
Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting,
If I could hear his heart softly pounding.
Yes and only if he was lying by me,
Would I lie in my bed once again.

There's beauty in that silver singing river,
There is beauty in that sunrise in the sky,
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love's eyes
Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting,
If I could hear his heart softly pounding.
Yes and only if he was lying by me,
Would I lie in my bed once again.

Growing pains

2008-04-17T22:51:00.000-07:00

Growing hurts.
Tendons stretching, ligaments lengthening, muscles stretching.
All to become bigger, stronger, better.
But why does it have to be so painful?
Is it so you can revel in relief once the pain has stopped?
Why does change hurt so much?

Cirque audition: LONG VERSION

2008-03-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

And now for the patented Bekah-version with WAY more details than you ever needed or wanted to know:

When I arrived at the studio on Saturday morning at 8:35, There were already about 20 people lined up outside in the cold, stretching & talking while waiting for the doors to open at 9:00. I met a really sweet girl from northern Georgia named Autumn. Chatting with her helped a lot to get my mind off everything and not be so nervous. After registration, the 3 people from Cirque came in to talk to us. There was Charles, the audition coordinator, a French guy in his mid forties or so who mostly did the paperwork & ran the camera (the entire audition was filmed). Then Cecelia, a beautiful black woman with a great Spanish accent, probably mid to late thirties, and even though she didn’t do anything completely full out, she could pretty much move her pinkie finger and make your jaw drop in awe of how amazing she is. I don’t remember her exact title, but she led our warm-up & taught all of the choreography. Then there was Rick, a kind of short Asian guy with black spiky hair, maybe mid-thirties, and he is one of their Dance Artistic Talent Scouts – he’s the one who made all of the decisions throughout the day.

If and when I am in a place with my future company to hold auditions, I want them to be like this one. From the very beginning they created an incredibly positive, encouraging and inspiring environment. They explained that Cirque du Soleil is unique in that, unlike most companies that create roles & then audition dancers to fill them, Cirque likes to find dancers with unique skills & personalities and then create the roles around the dancer. They also said that, per a very new decision from their creative team, for Cirque du Soleil, dance is the new acrobatics. 5 years ago they had about 20 dance roles in all of their shows….right now they have 150. And they expect to be at 200 by next year. They encouraged us to not compete with each other or compare ourselves with each other. They said we were there to show what WE could do, and not to worry about anyone else. They also said that if we were cut, it could be for a thousand and one reasons, and not to be discouraged or try to figure it out.

After about a 45 minute warm-up, Cecelia taught us a jazz combo. It was quick-paced and fairly typical – layouts, battements & pirouettes with a lot of dramatic "Look- Look"s….it even had a hip roll & a chaine axel. The studio that the audition was held in was terrible….in fact, the Cirque people apologized about the facility 3 or 4 times throughout the day. They said that Atlanta is a new audition city for them, and they hadn’t personally scouted out the location. It was extremely small with no windows or any real ventilation, had a non-sprung, cheap, tongue & groove, fake wood floor, and 8ft ceilings. Apparently they teach a lot of pole-dancing classes at that studio, so in addition to the ceilings being really low, they had these 4-inch long metal screw things dangling from them (I guess that’s where they attach the poles). In fact, in some of the improv stuff we did later in the day, they specifically said NO JUMPS because they didn’t want anyone impaling themselves on the hanging screws. Oh and did I mention that there were 60 people in there? So we were squished almost shoulder to shoulder, trying to learn this jazz combo. I don’t know how many times I accidentally kicked or smacked somebody while just marking it. Since there were so many bodies and not much air-flow, it got so hot that everyone was dripping with sweat so much that the floor got all wet and slippery. At one point, after we had broken up into some smaller groups to practice the combination, while I happened to be front and center, I did a layout and totally wiped out flat on my ass. But I wasn’t the only one, after me several more people slipped & fell as well. After we worked on it for a little over an hour, they had us perform the combo 2 at a time for the camera. I was number 11, which means I was in the first 5 or so groups to go. When I went I totally forgot a couple moves, and thought "oh no, I’m done for". But there were quite a few after me that forget it way worse than I did. In fact there were several who did maybe 8 counts and then just stood there blankly like deer in the headlights. But instead of kicking them out the door right then and there, the Cirque people told them to just do whatever, so they just improv-ed for a couple minutes, which I thought was pretty cool. It further emphasized that they’re not necessarily just looking for perfect technical dancers who can pull off a polished routine in an audition. They want people with something unique, whether that be skill, talent, creativity or personality. Some of the people who blew the combo even made it through the next cut as well. After all the groups went, they read off the numbers of the people who they wanted to stay….I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to hear the number 11 in my life :) At that point it went from 60 people to about 25.

After about a 45 minute lunch break, we came back and they had people show any type of specialty they could do….some people did some hip-hop/break dance stuff, some showed gymnastics, one girl did salsa, another did some kind of traditional Spanish character dance, one girl did some freaky contortionist stuff. I showed some gymnastics as well as some Capoeira & martial arts. After this portion they cut 3 or 4 more people.

Then came what I think was my favorite part of the audition. Cecelia taught us some Wade Robson choreography that he did for So You Think You Can Dance last season. Some of you know that Wade Robson has been a favorite choreographer of mine for quite a while (I even liked him back in the old NSYNC days :). It was a piece called "Swamp", and how she described it to us is "imagine you’re in a swamp that is covered in thick slime and you’re a nasty, creepy, crawly swamp creature who lives on slime and bugs and nastiness". We started in a big clump on the floor and we had four counts of 8 to crawl on each other, pretend to eat bugs out of the air or off of ourselves or each other, and to basically just "be nasty". (For my ex-Renascent friends, think the Outlander King on crack). Then there was eight counts of 8 of really fun twitchy, creepy choreography, then another four 8 counts of improv. At one point, when the two guys were out of the room, Cecelia told us "You could get the gig from this right here. If you really use your facial expression and totally get into it, this could be it." We worked on it for about 30 minutes, then once again, had to perform for the camera (in groups of 3 this time). After that, another 5 people were cut.

So then came the improv. Each person had to get up one at a time and improvise for about 45 seconds to whatever music Rick picked. Then he got in front of us and said, "Ok, we’re gonna do it again, and this time I’m going to give you each a word or phrase that I want you to interpret. And also, especially for the girls, I don’t want to see anything ballet-like. No pretty lines; it’s a crutch. Get over it and move on." The phrases he gave out were completely random and obscure: "Watery", "Traveling Maestro", "African Queen", "Twitchy & Cracked Out", "Smooth & Sexy", etc. And for me….."Punk Overdrive". He said, "I want you to dance to the level of your hair color" (for those who haven’t seen me in the past 3 weeks or so, I’ve currently got chunks of bright red/fuchsia running through my hair). Looking back, it probably would have been better if I had gone like first or second because then I wouldn’t have had enough time to think too much. But I was 3^rd from the last, so of course I did what I always do….I completely over-thought it. I latched onto the "punk" part and tried to think about like classic punk music – angry, aggressive, confrontational, against "the machine"…..it’s one of those things that, when I think about it now, it’s almost embarrassing to admit my thought process because it was SO off. And I also had this gut feeling that this was it. This was my big test & if I blew this then it was over. So I got up there and…..well, I don’t even know what I did. It’s like I was thinking so hard that I forgot to actually dance. I was trying to follow his directions and not do anything that might be construed as ballet and well, I think I maybe thrashed around a bit and threw a couple angry glares at the camera. As soon as I sat down I thought, "well, that was it, I’m done". And sure enough, Rick called my name, along with 4 others that they let go. I will say this, the really cool part of how they did the cuts was that they gave each person individual feedback and if there was something that you needed to work on, then they gave you their opinion and critique.

For me he said that I’m a really great and strong dancer, but that he just kept wanting to see me push past to that next level of intensity. He said, "in the improv I gave you the opportunity to do that, and you actually pulled back more than before". To which I replied, "I know. I felt it as soon as I sat down". Then he went down the line and shook each persons hand and said thank you for coming. NOW HERE IS WHAT KILLED ME: I was the last person, and when he got to me, he squeezed my hand and gave me the most intense look and said, "You’re SO close." I walked over to collect my things as my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to kick myself I was so frustrated. If I would have gotten cut in the first cut at the beginning of the day, I totally would have been fine. I would have left thinking, "ok, well, I gave it a shot, it didn’t work out, no big deal, move on". But to know that I just missed it by overthinking an impov, well that’s almost too much. I went over and talked to Cecelia and asked her what I needed to do. I think she could tell that I was just about to lose it. She said that I was gorgeous and strong and flexible, and that all of those were good things, but that I just needed to not worry so much about how things looked and trust my body and trust my technique, and have the confidence to just give it all I’ve got. As I left I walked past Rick again, and it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not say "Could you give me one more chance, just a do-over, I promise I can totally do it this time!". But that’s completely tacky and horrible audition etiquette. So I just said thank you again, but I think he could tell that I was really having a hard time because, after shaking my hand again, he pointed his finger at me and said, "I fully expect to see you again, and when I do, I want you to blow me away". To which I meekly said, "Yes sir".

Here’s the thing, I’ve been over and over it in my mind, and I can think of hundreds of different things – tons of specific steps even – that I could have done and probably made it through at least to the next cut. But this way, I’m forced to dig deeper. To confront an aspect of my dancing, and if I’m really honest, of myself that needs work. What Cecelia said is exactly right….I worry too much what things are going to look like, what people are going to think about me, and don’t trust that I’m good at what I do. You can’t go the extra mile, or reach that next level of intensity if you’re holding back because you’re afraid of what people may think. I’ve never been good at risk taking. And of course, I have to be taught my lessen the hard way.

Anyways, now I’m just trying to figure out what to do next. I was originally thinking that if I didn’t make it, then I would work on transitioning into a different stage of my life and do more teaching and choreography, and start to phase out of performing. But now I’m thinking, maybe I’m not done yet. I just don’t know yet.

I’ve emailed them to find out what exactly I need to do next…if I need to send in a whole new profile or if they can just notify me if they want me to come audition again. So I guess we’ll just see what they say.

Ok, if you’re still reading this, then you must be a true friend…..either that or you’re incredibly bored at work and just waiting to clock out :)

But seriously though, really, really, thank you all for your encouragement. It truly means the world to me.

Cirque audition scoop

2008-03-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! I just want to thank you all for your overwhelming interest, encouragement and support regarding my Cirque du Soleil audition last weekend. I’m sorry that it’s taken me a whole week to respond to your numerous comments and messages, but this past week has been completely filled with trying to catch up on sleep & rehearsing like mad for Perpetual Motion’s show this weekend (March 14 & 15 at the Plaza Theater).

So here’s the deal....I started writing this blog like 4 days ago. I keep trying to make it short and sweet and to the point. But lets be honest...this is me we’re talking about here. Nothing I say is short, and while I usually have a point (or many of them), it’s almost always a long meandering journey to get to it. In fact, have you noticed how long it seems to be taking me to explain how long it takes me to explain things? So I decided I would do this in 2 versions:

Below is the basics...no details, just the facts. The next blog (which I will post as soon as I’m done with this one), will have the play-by-play, every detail and thought and emotion from that day. I’m feeling incredibly narcisistic right now, but oh well here goes.....

So the short version is….I didn’t make it.

I made it through 3 cuts (from 60 people, down to about 12), then got let go at the very end of the first day. They had us do some improv and I basically just completely overthought it. The cool thing is that, after I got cut, as the talent scout/casting director guy went through and shook each person’s hand and said thank you for coming, when he got to me he squeezed my hand and gave me the most intense look and said, "You’re SO close." Of course that was so maddeningly frustrating that I just wanted to punch something. But I guess it’s still encouraging to know how far I came and how close I was. He also said, "I fully expect to see you again, and when I do, I want you to blow me away".

So I guess even though it’s incredibly frustrating that I got cut, overall, it was a positive experience. I think it helped to grow my confidence and also brought to light some deeper areas in my dancing that need to be further developed and explored.

I’ve emailed them to find out if I need to send in a whole new profile or if they can just notify me if they want me to come audition again. So now I’ve just got to decide what to do next. I was originally thinking that if I didn’t make it, I would move on into a new stage of my life and do more teaching and choreography and start to phase out from performing. But now I’m thinking that maybe I’m not done yet. I just don’t know.

Ok, so this wasn’t necessarily that short either, but what did you expect :) Again, thank you all for your encouragement. It really means the world to me.

"Anthony"....part II

2008-01-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

"Anthony, Anthony,
Oh he says he can't love me, but I think he can.
Yes I think he can, and I told him that...just before he ran, just before he ran."
......but then he looked back, yes, he looked back
and decided that he does want what I have
and what I am.
Anthony, Anthony,
Oh I think he might love me.
Anthony.

I should've started running a long, long time ago...

2008-01-10T23:06:00.000-08:00

"Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
to build me up and tear me down
like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
a long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
more than you know, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure,
I guess it's really over,
I'm finally getting better
and now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
dragged the memories down the hall,
packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
so did my eyes so I could see
that you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming,
I should've started running
a long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
more than you know, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure,
I guess it's really over,
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you."

- "Over You", Daughtry

Oh me of little faith

2008-01-06T00:22:00.001-08:00

"What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
besides the folks I've met and the folks that know me?
Will I discover a soul-saving love or
just the dirt above and below me?
I'm a doubting Thomas, I took a promise, but I do not feel safe.
Oh me of little faith.

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward.
If there's a master of death, I bet he's holding his breath
'cause I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power.
I'm a doubting Thomas, I can't keep my promises 'cause I don't know what's safe.
Oh me of little faith.

Can I be used to help others find truth,
when I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie?
Can I be led down a trail dropping breadcrumbs
that prove I'm not ready to die?

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
please forgive me for time that I've wasted.
I'm a doubting Thomas, I'll take your promise, though I know nothings safe.
Oh me of little faith.
Oh me of little faith."

"Anthony"

2008-01-05T23:13:00.000-08:00

Anthony, Anthony,
Oh he says he can't love me, but I think he can.
Yes I think he can, and I told him that....just before he ran, just before he ran.
And he's not looking back, he's not looking back
'Cause he doesn't want anything I have
Or anything I am.
Anthony, Anthony,
Oh he says he can't love me.
Anthony.

Somebody more like you

2008-01-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

"I didn't hear you say you're sorry, the fault must be mine.
I wish you all the best of luck at finding somebody more like you
You said you'd love me always, truly, I must have changed
'Cause you don't need me like you used to,
I hope you find somebody more like you.
I hope finally find someone, someone that you trust and give her everything.
I hope meet someone your height, so you can see eye to eye, with someone as small as you.
You came out of nowhere and made me smile, then tore me in two
Saying we're very different people, so dear, I hope you find somebody more like you.
I hope you find somebody more like you."

Justification for being

2007-12-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

"The Dancer believes that his art has something to say which cannot be expressed in words or in any other way than by dancing...there are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words. There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself. This is the dancer's justification for being, and his reason for searching further for deeper aspects of his art."
- Doris Humphrey

I want to always want to feel like part of this was mine.

2007-11-29T23:25:00.000-08:00

Are you going to live your life wondering,
standing in the back looking around?
Are you going to waste your time thinking
how you've grown up, how you missed out?
Things are never going be the way you want,
where's it going to get you acting serious?
Things are never going to be quite what you want.
Even at twenty five you got to start sometime

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
All i need is just to hear a song i know.
I want to always feel like part of this was mine,
I want to fall is love tonight

Are you going to live your life standing in the back looking around?
Are you going to waste your time? Got to make a move or you'll miss out.
Someone is goin' to ask you what it's all about,
stick around nostalgia won't let you down.
Someone is going to ask you what's it's all about,
what are you going to have to say for yourself?

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
All i need is just to hear a song I know.
I want to always want to feel like part of this was mine.
I want to fall in love tonight

Crimson and clover over and over.
Crimson and clover over and over.
Our house in the middle of the street,
why did we ever meet?
Star in my rock and roll fantasy.
Don't don't don't let start,
why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock and roll heart.

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go,
so come on Davey, sing me something that I know.
Want to always feel like part of this was mine.
Want to fall in love tonight.
Here, tonight,
want to fall in love tonight.
Here, tonight,
want to always feel like part of this was mine,
want to fall in love tonight.
Want to fall in love tonight.
Want to fall in love tonight.

inspiration

2007-11-09T12:46:00.001-08:00

I'm lacking inspiration. I'm void of passion or creativity. The sparks that once fueled my very life, gradually and imperceptibly grew dimmer and dimmer until they are now dangerously close to extinction. There is no rush from a performance. No adrenaline butterflies to spurn me on. No tingle in the back of my brain that makes all the physical pain magically disappear. I find myself unconsciously counting the minutes 'til the end of each class, each rehearsal, even each performance. When did this happen? How did this happen? The one thing I am hanging on to, the one thing that keeps me from losing all faith in myself, are the moments when I see something or hear something or read something that is so beautiful, so well-done, so inspired, that I get this burst of frantic energy that makes me almost panic with the desire to create or be a part of something with at least a portion of it's significance. The fact that some things can still affect me in that way gives me hope that that spark hasn't completely burned out. That at witnessing a great work of art, I'm not simply impressed and in awe of it's beauty and ingenuity, but that I'm gripped with the need to create something of my own. Its not much, but that small fact makes me not completely give up on myself as an artist. I just need to fuel my spark; to re-discover my creativity; to redefine my inspiration.

I really should sleep now, because this is making less sense the further on I go

2007-09-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Am I really an artist?

Does passion and creativity really run through my veins, or do I just want it to so badly that I pretend.

What makes a true artist?

Is it someone who's good at what they do, or is it someone who lives and dies for it? Because those two things don't always necessarily go hand in hand.

What if I'm not good.

Is it pointless to keep hanging on to something that will never happen? If I want it so badly and keep pursuing in even if its not good, does that make me stubborn or just sad?

Or what if I give up? Does giving up make me not really an artist? Does that mean I wasn't worthy of the inspiration that I pretended to have?

CONSTANTS - WHAT CONSTITUTES A WORK OF ART IN THE DANCE, by Ted Shawn

2007-09-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ted Shawn, a one-time divinity student from Kansas City Missouri, shared with his wife, Ruth St. Denis, a belief in the validity of dance as a religious expression. Many of the dances he choreographed had a religious or ethnic base, and often the two themes were combined…Ted Shawn was articulate on the dance and published a number of books. The following essay is taken from a collection of lectures that he delivered at George Peabody College [approximately 1925].

Philosophers have tried to tell us that all life is a continuous flux – that nothing is permanent but change. But, somehow the human soul continually reaches out for something permanent, something enduring. We crave solidity and the eternal in the midst of all evidence that everything is elusive and impermanent. Perhaps it is only wishful thinking on my part, but I believe that this eternal desire of the soul is the greatest argument for the value of 'constants' in art. For in art we create our ideal worlds, and in the ideal world of the universal man, there are constant, enduring and never-changing qualities.

In relation to the dance, these constants have two aspects: the physical and the – shall I say? – spiritual (at least spiritual in the sense of art-values).
In the physical realm, the constants are what we, as dancers, must all have and what, critically, we have the right to expect of other dancers. These are bodily skills, mind-body coordinations, disciplines.

No matter what type of dancing is done there are certain things that must be mastered: the dancer must be light, i.e., able to leave the floor by leaping or jumping, and land with elasticity, so as not to jar his body or make a noise. He must have mastered all those fundamental movements patterns which I have elucidated at greater length in my monograph: "The Fundamentals of a Dance Education" - swinging, walking, running, leaping, jumping, falling, torsion, bending, shaking, oppositions, parallelisms, successions, the "alphabet" of those movements out of which dance steps are made; he must be the master of the twin principles of tension and relaxation, and must be able to maintain balance perfectly whether at rest or in motion. He must have his body so trained and so coordinated that the idea, be it kinetic, musical or dramatic, is expressed by his whole body as a unity. He must know thoroughly the patterns of construction of dance in relation to all three dimensions of space, and in relation to that fourth dimension of the dance: time. He must be trained in the relation of the dance to music so that, when dancing to music, his movement and the music seem the twin emanation of one impulse, and he must master the relationship of himself to a group of other dancers in an almost infinite variety of patterns. In addition to this he must apprehend all the different qualities of movement, and be able to produce these qualities as surely as the organist pulls out the stops on his organ. He must acquire a rich vocabulary of movements, so that he can improvise as easily as he indulges in a pleasant and exciting conversation, never stopping to think what word to use, nor how to form his sentence grammatically. And he must have acquired and mastered a technique (many techniques, really) or else build a technique for himself, by doing which he has administered to himself a more severe discipline than if he had been trained in the technique of others.

These, then, are constants – we must deal with all of these if we expect to dance ourselves, and we have a right to expect these in dancers we see, and fairly judge the value and quality of the performance by the degree the dancer shows us how he has absorbed, mastered and practically forgotten these constants.

But beyond these physical constants there are the greater constants. For no matter how cleverly a dancer dances, no matter how disciplined and technically proficient he be-if the dance he performs is inexpertly constructed, and the content worthless or thin, we are disappointed and “let down”.

These greater constants are those which we look for in the dance itself-the dance as a work of art – where we are judging the work of the composer, the author, that is, the choreographer.
In actual physical performance, the dance has many unique problems which are not shared by any other art form, but the standards by which we judge a dance as a work of art (the dance in itself, as distinct from the performance of it) are almost the identical standards by which we judge a work of art in any other medium.

First, there should be complete clarity in the mind of the creator as to what he intends to do (that is, to say, in his own particular medium of the dance). He may wish to create a mood, or he may wish to tell a story, or he may wish only to take a “seed” of basic movement, and let it be organically developed into a final complicated-yet-simple product. Whatever his aim, the choreographer must not be confused as to his intention, his method, his stylization, the special technique used, or the result will by hybrid, confusing, neither one thing nor the other.
Second, there must be unity of style in the composition, one quality of movement must remain throughout. This does not mean that there can be no variety, but that the variety must be within the unity. The work, as a whole must be of one stuff, as an emerald is all emerald – crush it to powder, and each tiny pinch of that powder will still be emerald. A fragment of a Greek vas is instantly recognizable, and each fragment of any dance which is a work of art should be sufficiently stylized to identify the whole from which it was taken. And, within this unity, the work must cohere – it must be solid in its construction, so that there are no joining places left visible in the finished product – but it seems to have been quarried out of one piece.

This means that the dance must have sequence, each movement done must lead inevitably into the next movement, so that one could not imagine any other movement being possible as successor to the movement just done.

And this implies, absolutely, architecture. The whole dance, as a work of art, must be constructed as well and carefully as a beautiful building, which is beautiful not only because of its materials and ornamentation, but also on account of its design, its proportions; because it has a solid foundation, and because its walls are solid and capable of supporting the roof. A dance work of art must have beginning, development and climax – just as a building has foundations, walls and roof.

Since the dance is almost universally accompanied by music, there are certain constants in that relationship, too. The dance must have in it all the qualities that the music has and provide, in replica, all the elements of the music. Of course, the foundation is rhythm – the without-which-nothing – the thing on which all rests. But, as music has harmony so must the movement be harmonious within itself and with the music. Even if one is dancing to the apparent dissonances of modern music, there must be a harmony between the distortion – consciously and intelligently used – of the body and the distortions of tone from the accepted norm. All the values of time, duration, stress, dynamics and form inherent in the music, must be equally inherent in the dance work of art.

Much has been and still is said about kinesthesia, about dance being kinetically created, but this is one only of the legitimate starting points for the creation of a dance, and it never excuses formlessness in the finished product. Many things that are permissible in the studio as training, as experimentation, as discipline are not permissible to offer to an audience as a dance work of art. Many people who are interested in the dance may enjoy visiting a class and watching the training process, but studio exercises should be confined to the studio, and never be brought to an exhibition program of the supposedly finished, product.

We hear the word “stylized” a great deal in regard to the dance. This refers to what I said about unity. A dancer may choose to do a dance in the style of the hieratic wall paintings of ancient Crete, or in the style of a Javanese dance, or a Spanish dance. In this case, this style must predominate, govern and discipline every movement, and even the dance as a whole. The dancer may develop such a strong individual style that his movement may be “stylized” and yet not be classifiable as belonging to any actual style such as those mentioned above; yet within his own style he maintains a unity of quality and is disciplined by his own imposed limitations.

“Distortion” is another word much discussed in the dance today. From a certain angle, all art is distortion, in that it is not a photographic, mechanical reproduction of nature. The artist chooses from out of the vast superfluity of nature that which he wishes to use, shapes that to his own purpose, and so “distorts” it from its original form and shape. But “distortion” is a dangerous word, for many people seem to think that wrenching things blindly into grotesque shapes has value in itself. Those who have revolted unintelligently from the ballet tradition and technique seem to believe that the exact opposite of the rules of the ballet will give some strangely desirable result. This produces movement without real significance – or perhaps it has some significance: that of the naughty child who makes faces to show that it doesn’t like a person.

Do not be afraid that, because you are teachers, and especially teachers in Physical Education, that all this talk about “art” is beside the point. It is very definitely to the point, because the dance is art, or it is nothing. It is not merely a means of exercising, or promoting health, or building a strong symmetrical body. It does all these things, and better than any other means of physical education, but these are all by-products. An art activity is the deepest, richest, most worth-while activity of mankind. It is work and it is play – the most delightful play ever known, and “that work most worthy of man’s perfected powers.” We must be conscious of the dance as art even when we are teaching the simplest beginning fundamentals and try to awaken that attitude towards the dance in all our pupils. The value of the dance, its greatest value, is in the “intangibles.” Success in the dance cannot be measured by a tape, weighed on scales, nor timed with a stop-watch. It demands an awareness and sensitivity in the dancer’s soul and in the soul of the beholder who partakes vicariously, empathetically, in the dance – and it is the development, strengthening and cultivation of this awareness which is the teacher’s most important job.

You must clear your mind of all misconceptions of what art means – get out of your head, if possible and if you have any of that feeling there, that art is something in museums, something remote and precious. Art is experience, vital experience, and nowhere does on e experience the reality of art so greatly as in the dance. Here the constants of beauty, ease, proportion, vitality, technical mastery, of the communication of ecstasy to the beholder, are within one’s body-soul – they are as much you as your blood and your breath. And the greatest constant of all is that here in the dance we experience a rhythmic beauty, the activity of God Himself.

Switching feet

2007-09-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Wish I had what I needed to be on my own
'cause I feel so defeated and I'm feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless, and I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset with no where to land.
And all I see, it could never make me happy,
and all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing.

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow.
No one her could know
I was born this thursday
twenty-two years ago.
And I feel stuck watching history repeating.
Oh am I just a kid who know he's needy?

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough
Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

Wisdom of "the Incomparable"

2007-09-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

"I feel that, if I were ever quite satisfied, any power I possess would leave me. It is the divine discontent that drives us artists always onward. People wonder why we are never at rest. Remember, we surrender the things that others find so beautiful - the divine wonder of real home life, the quiet growth with and for one's surroundings - but it is because ambition will not let us rest. I do not excuse myself of that feeling - without it the world would lose much that is best of the intangible things that its restless artists give it..."
- Anna Pavlova

Rain

2007-09-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has tonight before...

3:32am on the Turner Turnpike

2007-08-28T03:32:00.000-07:00

So here I am, writing by the light of the eclipsing moon and the backlight of my cell phone. The steel frame of my little Ford hardly seems protection enough from the diesel-guzzling monsters whizzing by at 80+ mph. And maybe I've spent too much time in Joss Wheedon's imagination this week, but from the looks of the woods to my right, I believe it to be a perfectly reasonable assumption that a werewolf will come tearing through the trees at any moment (I mean, it IS a full moon).

I'm an adult...a 27 year-old adult who should be perfectly capable of dealing with a little car trouble and waiting patiently for the tow truck without totally loosing it (nevermind that it's 3:32am in the no man's land of the Turner Turnpike somewhere between Wellston & Oklahoma City). Although for that matter, I'm also an adult who should be responsible enough - or at the very least not stupid enough - to take off on a mini roadtrip, knowing that I will be returning in the wee hours of the morning, without getting the little light-shaped-like-a-battery, that keeps flickering on the dashboard, checked out.

So I guess it's safe to say that it's my own fault that I now sit whimpering in my car as it shudders with the roar of each passing semi, while obsessively checking for any change in the shadows of the trees and trying to determine if the hungry sounding howls that I'm sure I hear are directed at the moon or at me.

untitled bored and sleeply randomness

2007-08-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

Falling away, looking awry, playing along long after the game for fame is done.

Dissatisfaction of these actions tripping along, dripping between.

Necessary light means unnecessary awkardness for familiarity of this reality.

Definitions add depth to the explanation of the when and the why, but the how is the dilemma of now.

Apologies for tomorrow bring a sour taste to today, springing from yesterday's staleness.

Paling in comparison, failing to find the irony in the pain without coping against hope.

Floating through sadness, dreaming through blandness, learning to listen to the quiver of desire while ignoring the whisper of the dark.

Hundred

2007-08-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at what once was the wall
Separating east and west
Now they meet amidst the broad daylight

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are, from right where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are, and this is where I am
So this is where you are, and this is where I've been
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred

Octagon Logic

2007-08-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

No longer just circles, my logic now forms octagons of clarity....a clarity as brilliant as the Xian skyline.
I exercise only to breathe in the pollution. My lungs and my thoughts turn black. How I long for that true taste of sunlight.
There's light at the other end, far far in the distance....but it might just be the 12:05 freight train, and it's 20 minutes late.
I can see where I need to be, just on the other side of the tracks. A different world, with different thoughts.
But things are never as black and white as they seem in the dark. A blue sky changes everything.

Tippler

2007-08-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

A tippler, a toppler, atop a stilt walker
Perching up high for a clear point of view
Struggling to balance, my ankles are weak
Whispering, whimpering, failing to speak
Flailing my arms for attention I don't want
Clinging to hope that my logic is caught
on a hook or a nail or a rusty old pail
or on fears that I'm too wise to ignore.

Stealing Sally's thoughts

2007-07-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

"I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one."

Pain and Love

2007-07-15T14:28:00.001-07:00

When did I become so afraid of getting hurt? When did the risk of pain become a good enough reason not to love? Life if filled with pain. Something worth having is something worse loosing. Is it not a truer love to know that you might get hurt in the end and choose to love anyway? If someone is worth loving, then they should be worth that risk....right?

"Much-Afraid shrank back. 'I am afraid,' she said. 'I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can.'
'That is true,' agreed the Shepherd. 'To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you not?'
She nodded miserably and then said shamefacedly, 'Yes, very much afraid of it.'
'But it is so happy to love,' said the Shepherd quietly. 'It is happy to love enen if you are not loved in return. There is pain too, certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.' "

You could be happy.....

2007-07-10T19:39:00.001-07:00

"...You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far.

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do.

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world."

No canary

2007-07-08T16:57:00.001-07:00

How much easier would it be to be able to just be content with a normal life?
Every once in a while I wonder if I could ever be someone who settles down and has the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids and the dog and the cat and the canary...but then I blink. Because that's about how long that thought lasts. I know - in that deepest part of your being kind of knowing - that I won't ever have that. I am in no way disregarding it's appeal, or putting down those who do have that. I just know that it's not for me. I want to find someone to spend my life with who will go with me on adventures. I'm not even quite sure what that means, but I know it's what I want.
I want to be with someone that has similar enough aspirations as to limit the need to sacrifice each other's goals and dreams. I don't want it to have to be either or...one partner's life dream
or the other. I want it to be able to be both.

My newest most favoritest word:

2007-07-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

PHANTASMAGORIA
\fan-taz-muh-GOR-ee-uh\, noun:
1. Any constantly changing scene; usually made up of many elements
2. A fantastic sequence of haphazardly associative imagery, as seen in dreams or fever
3. An optical illusion produced by a magic lantern or the like in which figures increase or diminish in size, pass into each other dissolve, etc.
4. A shifting series of phantasms, illusions or deceptive appearances, as in a dream
5. Fantastic imagery as represented in art

[Alteration of obsolete French phantasmagorie, art of creating supernatural illusions : perhaps fantasme, illusionphantasm) + (from Old French; see allégorie, allegory, allegorical visual representation (from Old French, allegory, from Latin allēgoria; see allegory).]

1802, name of a "magic lantern" exhibition brought to London in 1802 by Philipstal, the name an alteration of Fr. phantasmagorie, said to have been coined 1801 by Fr. dramatist Louis-Sébastien Mercier, from Gk. phantasma "image" + second element probably a Fr. form of Gk. agora "assembly" (but this may have been chosen more for the dramatic sound than any literal sense). Transf. meaning "shifting scene of many elements" is attested from 1822.

The best of both worlds is a lie

2007-07-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have to quit pretending.
As much as I wish I could have the best of both worlds,
how can I, when the only way to have both is for each to be a lie.
There is a lesson to be learned from both places, but the lesson can only be learned
in one place or the other.
"How can I argue when, you won't stop making sense"
My heart knows,
no matter what anyone else says,
no matter what other opinions I get or how many others I talk to to try justify what I know in my soul is wrong.
I have been stumbling, wallowing, through stagnate water that I have tried to perfume.
But it's true scent has found me and makes me sick.
I have intellectualized myself right out of my mind,
right out of any former knowledge of how to be or what is right.
"For the gag, and the bind, and the ammunition round.
This is not about love, 'cause I am not in love.
In fact I can't stop falling out.
I miss that stupid ache."
But I don't know how to stop and I don't know how to get it back.

5 year old napkin

2007-06-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

Joy.
Anger.
Victory.
Frustration.
Desire to love,
Desire to tear someone's hair out.
How is it that the recent
battle won
is so swiftly forgotten?
The pendullum swings
from one extreme to the other
with no courtesey of a warning.
With the rudeness of an
unexpected guest,
the internal war begins again.
One moment -
immense breaktrough,
unspeakable joy,
mighty victory.
The next -
Anxious frustration,
spastic despair,
temptation to discontinue the fight
altogether.

This is something I just found in an old box, written on a napkin, I'm guessing, around 5 years ago. I remember the moment I wrote it, but for the life of me, I couldn't tell you what circumstance or inner turmoil brought about this little spasm of expression. Seeing the worn napkin with this poem on one side and some calligraphy on the other brings up a mixture of feelings. First, while I don't remember what this was about, everything in it expresses familiar feelings. The constant struggle to not wallow in life's frustrations, yet also not to get comfortable and soft in the wake of an epiphany. It's something that I can remember feeling many times in my life. So that makes me wonder how much I have actually grown or how much more I understand things....life, myself, the universe, everything.

And second, I remember being full of such emotion that it simply must come out at that moment...even if that means writing on a napkin while sitting at a crowded table in an even more crowded restaurant. But I haven't felt that way in a long time. I do have bursts of emotion and inspiration, but I'm usually too tired to do anything about it. I'm once again falling into the rut of constantly making excuses for not being creative. Or even worse, justifying it to myself by saying that it's just for now....when things slow down and I have more energy then I'll work on my own stuff. But all that does is help keep me from feeling guilty and allow me to indulge my fears and insecurities. There never is a perfect time to make something...at some point you just have to decide that it needs to be made. I need to get back in the habit of expressing myself creatively....in my own way, with my own art. I'm an emotional person and a creative person, and I only fully function when I allow my emotions to help me create and when I use my creativity to help express my emotions.

What's Acceptable? What's Possible?

2007-05-31T22:33:00.001-07:00

This is a column that was adapted from a commencement address that Jim Wallis of Sojourner Magizine delivered at Georgetown University on Sunday, May 20.

"Each new generation has a chance to alter two very basic definitions of reality in our world - what is acceptable and what is possible.

First, what is acceptable?

There are always great inhumanities that we inflict upon one another in this world, great injustices that cry out to God for redress, and great gaps in our moral recognition of them. When the really big offenses are finally corrected, finally changed, it is always and only because something has happened to change our perception of the moral issues at stake. The moral contradiction we have long lived with is no longer acceptable to us. What we accepted, or ignored, or denied, finally gets our attention and we decide that we just cannot, and will not, live with it any longer. But until that happens, the injustice and misery continue.

It often takes a new generation to make that decision - that something that people have long tolerated just won't be tolerated any more.

So the question to you as graduates, as ambassadors for a new generation, is this: what are you going to no longer accept in our world, what will you refuse to tolerate now that you will be making the decisions that matter?

Will it be acceptable to you that 3 billion people in our world today - half of God's children - live on less that $2 per day, that more than 1 billion live on less than $1 per day, that the gap between the life expectancy in the rich places and the poor places in the world is now 40 years, and that 30,000 children globally will die today - on the day of your graduation - from needless, senseless, and utterly preventable poverty and disease? It's what Bono calls "stupid poverty."

Many people don't really know that, or sort of do but have never really focused on the reality or given it a second thought. And that's the way it usually is. We don't know, or we have the easy explanations about why poverty or some other calamity exists and why it can't really be changed - all of which makes us feel better about ourselves - or we are just more concerned with lots of other things. We really don't have to care. So we tolerate it and keep looking the other way.

But then something changes. Something gets our attention, something goes deeper than it has before and hooks us in the places we call the heart, the soul, the spirit. And once we've crossed over into really seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting the injustice, we can never really look back again. It is now unacceptable to us.

What we see now offends us, offends our understanding of the sanctity and dignity of life, offends our notions of fairness and justice, offends our most basic values; it violates our idea of the common good, and starts to tug at our deepest places. We cross the line of unacceptability. We become intolerant of the injustice.

But just changing our notion of what is unacceptable isn't enough, however. We must also change our perception of what is possible.

In that regard, I would encourage each of you to think about your vocation more than just your career. And there is a difference. From the outside, those two tracks may look very much alike, but asking the vocational question rather than just considering the career options will take you much deeper. The key is to ask why you might take one path instead of another - the real reasons you would do something, more than just because you can. The key is to ask who you really are and what you want to become. It is to ask what you believe you are supposed to do.

You do have great potential, but that potential will be most fulfilled if you follow the leanings of conscience and the language of the heart more than just the dictates of the market, whether economic or political. They want smart people like you to just manage the systems of the world. But rather than managing or merely fitting into systems, ask how you can change them. You're both smart enough and talented enough to do that. That's your greatest potential.

Ask where your gifts intersect with the groaning needs of the world - there is your vocation.

The antidote to cynicism is not optimism but action. And action is finally born out of hope. Try to remember that. At college, you often believe you can think your way into a new way of living, but that's actually not the way it works. Out in the world, it's more likely that you will live your way into a new way of thinking.

The key is to believe that the world can be changed, because it is only that belief that ever changes the world. And if not us, who will believe? If not you, who?"

Starving

2007-05-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

We have no real perspective of what is going on in the world outside our own bubble…or rather outside our own stomach. We talk about how our hearts go out to the starving children in Africa, how it's so sad & heart-wrenching to see the Feed The Children commercials - so much, in fact, that we try not to watch them – and then literally in the next breath, complain that the pizza isn't here yet.

It makes us feel like a better person to lament at how sad it is to see their bloated little bellies....but their world is so far from in any way affecting our reality that we don't even see the irony of immediately then saying, "Where is the pizza? I'm starving".

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed...

2007-05-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

"Well he jumps in the taxi, headed for the sky
He's off to slay some demon dragonfly
And he looked at me, that long last time
Turned away again and I waved goodbye
In an envelope, inside his coat
Is a chain I wore, around my throat
Along with, a note I wrote
Said "I love you but, I don't even know why"

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have that secret hope
sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There'll be an endless rope
and nobody crying.

Well a long night turns into a couple long years
Of me walkin' around, around this trail of tears
Where the very loud voices of my own fears
Is ringin' and ringin' in my ears
It says that love is long gone
Every move I make is all wrong...

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying,
Just have that secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope there'll be an endless rope
And nobody crying.

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have that secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope there'll be an endless rope
And nobody crying.
And nobody crying,
Nobody crying"

Quest for the faith of a child

2007-05-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

Faith has to be personal first.
It's too overwhelming and unattainable (at least for me) to be trying to figure out what I think & believe for myself, while at the same time trying to figure out and decide how to explain it and how it applies to others.
Being a witness to others can only come after I'm secure in my own faith.
In a courtroom, if a witness gets on the stand and is unsure of his story, he'll be trampled when it comes time for the cross-examination. Only an expert witnesses testimony will hold strong.
I need to find the pure and simple child-like faith first. All the implications of what it means to be a Christian can be determined later. I know what I've felt, I know what I've seen and I know what I've heard...and for now, that has to be enough.

Snow Day

2007-04-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

So as nice as it is not to have to go to work 'cause I'm snowed in...it sucks not being able to go do anything else either...and it especially sucks not being able to go anywhere AND not having anyone to stay at home and cuddle with. I miss my dog.

Missing you.

2007-04-11T22:53:00.001-07:00

I miss that intimacy of falling asleep together in absolute peace.

I miss that fascination of knowing him inside and out, yet always wanting to know more.

I miss his intrigue of me. His wanting to take me apart to see what makes me tick.

I miss knowing that when the world falls apart he will help pick up the pieces.

I miss the kisses that put all movie kisses to shame.

I miss the feelings that inspired me to be better.

Of Europe, the audition, and dancing on the conference table

2007-03-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

I have gotten sooooo many messages, comments, and all types of inquiries regarding things going on with me from the past month and a half. It has been absolutely amazing to me to realize how many people I have in my life who care about me and are genuinely interested. You all have no idea how much that means. And I'm sorry I have not been more responsive....I'll get to why in a minute.

Warning...this is probably gonna be a long one.

For anyone out of the loop, let me back up for a sec: my youngest sister Sarah is studying in China for the year & during her break from school, did some traveling around Europe. So for Christmas, my parents got our whole family (mom, dad, brother, sister, brother-in-law & myself) plane tickets to meet up with Sarah in London. (And as a side note, Sarah didn't think that my dad & brother were going to be able to come, so we were able to surprise her with that, which was really really great...she totally freaked out.)
Let me just say that I LOVED London! I think it's somewhere I would really like to live at some point for a year or two. The city is just really beautiful & has so much history and culture (as I'm sure is obvious from the pictures). And we haven't taken a big family vacation in a very long time, so, while it was definitely a little stressful at times, all in all it was really good to be able to spend the time together. I could probably go on for quite a while about London, but for once I think I'll just leave it at that ....it was awesome & I had a great time.

So about the audition….for those of you who didn't know, while in Europe, I had an audition with the contemporary ballet company Centro de Danza Víctor Ullate in Madrid. I think I've been avoiding the subject (i.e. not responding to anyone's inquiries) because…well, it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I know there were a number of factors to blame (I was sick, extremely jet-lagged, the class was in a weird cross between Spanish & French w/ a few English words thrown in, etc.), but the short version is that I'm pretty sure it was the worst class I've ever done. I've been trying to look at the bright side, which is that no matter how it went, I had the amazing opportunity of going to audition for a big company in a totally different country. But it's also brought up some old insecurities, as well as some new, and definitely hard to swallow, possibilities. Something that I've always struggled with is that while I'm decently good at a variety of things, I've never had a true specialty in any one thing. For example, I'm fairly sure I'm a better modern dancer than people in most ballet companies, & I'm a more experienced ballet dancer than the other girls in my modern company….but I'm not good enough at ballet to be in a big professional ballet company, & I'm not a good enough modern dancer to be in a big professional modern company either. So maybe that's it for me. Maybe I'm past the time in my life when I could have really danced professionally. And this is not to insult anything that I've been part of in the past or what I'm doing now, but I kind of think there is part of me that will always feel I never really "made" it. I've always wanted that experience of been part of a big, really successful company…with a real salary & real costumes & an actual budget & a big stage & dressing rooms with "bulb-ed" lights…you know, the simplicity of being able to call dancing my "real job". And I've always known that that would not be something I would want on a long term basis, but I did (and still do) want to, just for a couple years, be part of someone else's thing….and then take that experience & start my own thing.
ANYways...there it is. That's what I've been thinking about and dealing with (or rather trying not to deal with) pretty much since I got back (which has been about a month ago at this point). And again, I could probably go into more detail & ramble on for much longer (and I know, I usually do), but at this point I'm simply out of the energy for it.

Moving on to happier things....a couple of weeks ago, Perpetual Motion (the company I am currently dancing with) participated in the New Genre Festival in Tulsa, OK (which, surprisingly, is supposedly a fairly well known event in the art world). We were part of an experimental dance project called the Crazy Quilt Drive-In Dance Performance. We, along with 2 other companies (one from OKC & another from Tulsa) performed inside an office building, while the audience watched from outside in their cars (hence the drive-in). The front of the building is made up of about 12 windows (on 2 floors) & each window has a shade that raises & lowers. Each company had 4 windows, scattered throughout the building, & 3 ten-minute segments in which we could do WHATEVER we wanted. In our first segment, we did a lot of site specific choreography...we hung 3 sets of fabric from the top of the 2nd story, hung over the edges of the stairwell, and climbed up into the windows (very Spiderman-like)....it was SO much fun. We kind of made the building our own personal jungle-gym. Our second segment was title "Office Daydream". We wore stereotypical office attire & the music was an assortment of soundbites & theme songs (50s office music, Charlie's Angels, Cops, Speedracer, Kill Bill, Dance Dance Revolution, Pacman, etc.) which were each acted out in their own level of ridiculousness & hilarity. I believe the highlight was when all of the dancers were doing our own versions of DDR while Pacman & the Ghosts (yes, we had people dressed in cardboard cutouts of Pacman & the Ghosts) chased each other all throughout the building and in & out of the various windows. In our third section the music was Scissor Sisters & the Presets....we all wore pink wigs & hideously sparkly disco/club outfits. We had mini-trampolines that we used in the upper windows and, as an unexpected fun thing, apparently from the ground you couldn't see the tramps, so it just looked like we were exceptionally bouncy . Unfortunately we kept forgetting to take pictures in the process of the show, but I do have several from right after we were finished (check out my photos on my profile). We had a VERY short amount of time to prepare for this show, so a large portions of it was stuctured improv, but I still think it turned out quite well. I would really love to explore the concept again when we can devote more time to development & spend more time rehearsing in the performance space. I have no idea if any of that made a bit of sense to anyone, but there you go.

Again, thank you all so much for the interest & love & support (if anyone wants more details about anything, just message me & let me know).

Americans Hate Their Jobs More Than Ever......well, I could've told you that

2007-02-28T00:02:00.000-08:00

According to a recent study:

"Americans hate their jobs more than ever before in the past 20 years, with fewer than half saying they are satisfied.

The trend is strongest among workers under the age of 25, less than 39 percent of whom are satisfied with their jobs.

Workers age 45 to 54 have the second lowest level of satisfaction (less than 45 percent), according a survey conducted by The Conference Board, a market information company that also puts out the Consumer Confidence Index and the Leading Economic Indicators.

Older people like their jobs more. Nearly half of all workers over 55 are satisfied with their employment situation.

Unsettling trend

Overall, dissatisfaction has spread among all workers, regardless of age, income or residence. Twenty years ago, the first time the survey was conducted, 61 percent of all Americans said they were satisfied with their jobs, according to the representative survey of 5,000 U.S. households, said Lynn Franco, director of the Conference Board's Consumer Research Center.

"Although a certain amount of dissatisfaction with one's job is to be expected, the breadth of dissatisfaction is somewhat unsettling, since it carries over from what attracts employees to a job to what keeps them motivated and productive on the job," Franco said.

Money rarely buys happiness but it can buy job satisfaction—people making under $15,000 per year reported the lowest satisfaction while those making more than $50,000 per year said they were the most satisfied.

Location matters

People living in New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania are the most disgruntled (less than 41 percent say they are satisfied with their current job), and people living in Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico were most likely to whistle while they work (56 percent reported being satisfied).

The thing that bugged most workers the most about their jobs were bonus plans and promotion policies. Workload and potential for growth were rated poorly also.

But the majority of workers polled found their work and co-workers interesting and their commute satisfying."

http://www.livescience.com/humanbiology/070226_hate_jobs.html

Update #3

2007-02-05T00:47:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to get my head to stop spinning long enough to put together some sort of coherent description of what's been going with me the last few months.

Let's see....In September I started dancing with a modern & aerial dance company here called Perpetual Motion, and this last weekend I did my first full performance with them (which went very well, I might add).

It never ceases to amaze me how things have a way of working out (or rather God has a way of working them out), but never how you think that they should.

I came here this summer with the goal of finding a professional company to dance with by the fall, but then assumed that that plan had to be thrown out because I wasn't even able to fully dance on my foot/ankle at all until the end of August & by then it was too late to set up auditions with any of the companies that I was interested in. Then, as kind of a fluke, I came across Perpetual Motion (the director & two main choreographers took class from me over the summer at Ballet Oklahoma. Then when I saw them perform, I was totally blown away & asked if they had any openings), and before I knew it, I was taking class & rehearsing with them twice a week. As much as I was enjoying working with them, I think I was treating it as a side project that I was doing just until I could get out of here.

As some of you know, I went to Nashville to visit over New Year's. It was a good trip, but also a really hard one. While sitting at the Anchor during the New Year's Eve service, I had a kind of epiphany....I realized that I had spent the last 6 months choosing to be miserable; choosing to hate where I was; not taking anything that I was doing seriously because I just saw it as temporary; and not willing to admit that I had anything positive going on because I was scared that that would mean I was stuck.

But the thing is, I will only be stuck somewhere if I choose to be. And, as much it kills me to admit, I do have a lot of great things here in Oklahoma: I absolutely love my students at the studios I'm teaching for (I'm teaching at 3 different ones still), I've made some really great new friends & have reconnected with some old ones (some of whom are like new friends because I now realize that I never actually got to know them for who are). I've been able to spend some wonderful quality time with my family (especially my grandparents), and am slowly but surely finding art and creativity in the nooks and crannies of this city.

And what is the most interesting of all, is that I achieved my goal...I was dancing with a professional company by the fall. And no, it's not full-time, and we only get paid when the company gets paid for a performance, so it's not exactly what I had in mind...but it's growing. Really, legitimately growing and expanding & becoming a tool to educate and bring culture to the people here. And even more importantly, each one of the women in the company challenges and inspires me every time we're together. I'm growing as a dancer, as an artist and as a person. I'm learning new things, discovering new passions, being stretched and strengthened, and further defining my own artistic expression.

I don't know how many nights, after I broke my foot, that I cried myself to sleep & tried to figure out why on earth this had to happen now...just when I felt I was finally having a shot at maybe a real professional career. Now I'm not saying that it was God's plan all along for me to break my foot so that I would be forced to stay in Oklahoma longer so then I could find this company...but I also think that it is wrong of me to discount where He has me for now and not try to gain everything that I can from this place and these experiences.

Anyways...ok, so there's my rant. So to make a long story longer (did you really expect anything less from me?), I'm still here and will continue to be for...well, hell if I know. I guess until I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here any more. But somehow I feel okay with that. Because I'm actually feel like I'm here on my terms.

Oh, and by the way, tomorrow I leave for Europe (and yes, I'm writing this instead of packing....procrastinators for life)! My whole family is going to meet up with my sister Sarah (who has been in China since the end of August) in London & then about halfway through our trip, I'll be splitting off from everyone else to go to Spain for a day because I have an audition set up with a contempory ballet company in Madrid. Any prayers would be greatly welcomed because, while I'm really excited, I'm also VERY nervous. I'm going by myself to a big city where I don't speak the language & as far as the company goes, I really have no idea what to expect. But I figure, if nothing else, it's a great opportunity & a great experience to have under my belt.

Well, I should probably quit rambling and finish packing. I love and miss you all.

The Man On The Flying Trapeze

2007-01-30T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I had the first couple lines of the chorus of this song stuck in my head (probably having something to do with the fact that I will be swinging from a trapeze myself this weekend), and I thought just for the hell of it that I would look up the lyrics. To my great amusement, I found these lyrics posted on a site for children's music (I'm not sure if these are the actual tradition lyrics, but they're pretty darn funny...and I find it even more hilarious that this is supposed to be a kids song):

"Once I was happy,
But now I'm forlorn,
Like an old coat
That is tattered and torn;
Left in this wide world
To weep and to mourn,
Betrayed by a maid in her teens.

Now this girl that I loved,
She was handsome,
And I tried all I knew
Her to please,
But I never could please her
One quarter so well
As the man on the flying trapeze.

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze;
His actions are graceful,
All girls he does please,
My love he has purloined away.

He'd play with a miss
Like a cat with a mouse,
His eyes would undress
Every girl in the house.
Perhaps he is better
Described as a louse,
But the people they came just the same.

Oh, he'd smile from his perch
On the people below
And one day he
Smiled on my love.
She blew him a kiss
And she hollered, "Bravo!"
As he hung by his nose up above.

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze;
His actions are graceful,
All girls he does please,
My love he has purloined away.

Oh, I wept and I whimpered,
I simpered for weeks,
While she spent her time
With the circus's freaks.
The tears were like hailstones
That rolled down my cheeks,
Alas, and alack, and alacka!

I went to this fellow,
The blackguard, and said,
"I'll see that you get
Your desserts!"
He put up his thumb to his nose
With a sneer,
He sneered once again, and said, "Nertz!"

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze;
His actions are graceful,
All girls he does please,
My love he has purloined away.

One night to his tent
He invited her in,
He filled her with compliments,
Kisses, and gin
And started her out
On the road to ruin,
Since then l have known no repose.

But e'en now l loved her, I said,
"Take my name!
I'll gladly forgive
And forget;"
She rustled her bustle
Without any shame,
Saying, "Well, maybe later, not yet."

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze;
His actions are graceful,
All girls he does please,
My love he has purloined away.

One night as usual
I went to her home,
And found there
Her father and mother alone,
I asked for my love,
And it soon was made known,
To my horror, that she'd run away.

Without any trousseau,
She'd fled in the night
With him with the
Greatest of ease,
From two stories high
He'd lowered her down
To the ground on his flying trapeze.

Oh, he floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
This daring young man
On the flying trapeze;
His actions are graceful,
All girls he does please,
My love he has purloined away.

Some months after that
I went into a hall,
And to my surprise
I found there on the wall,
A bill in red letters
Which did my heart gall,
That she was appearing with him.

Oh, he'd taught her gymnastics,
And dressed her in tights,
To help him to live
At his ease,
He'd made her take on
A masculine name,
And now she goes on the trapeze.

Oh, she floats through the air
With the greatest of ease,
You'd think her a man
On the flying trapeze,
She does all the work
While he takes his ease,
And that's what's become of my love."

Written By: George Leybourne
http://www.kididdles.com/lyrics/m026.html

Storm's Coming

2007-01-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

"I could paint a picture with a pen
But a song will only scratch the skin
And there are still places I haven't been
Because I know what's in there is already in the air

Oh yeah, there's a storm on the way
There's a storm on the way, alright
There's a storm on the way, uh huh
And it's comin' no matter what I say
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Hey, hey, hey
There's truth in the thunder
Love in the lightning, the feeling is frightening
Yeah, isn't it exciting

I'm something like stormy weather
If I weren't we would never
Huddle together, do I have to tell you
That I'm also the sunlight, that shines shortly after

I just rain cause I have to, on to another chapter
I wish you lots of laughter
'Til the next time you see me
Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming

(And I come, I come, I come, I come)
Oh C'mon (And I come, I come, I come, I come), c'mon

Run towards the hills to avoid the high flood
I can do a dance that'll make the sky cry blood
Skills provoke, and seals will be broken open
All that's left to do is try my love

When I sing it's a cyclone
I'm writing a raging sea
Searching for a sign of life
Is it safe to say it's me

Listen to our lives
The wind will whisper the way it is
I am going to happen
What a lovely day it is

Don't ask why
Just live, and, die"

- "Storm's Coming", Gnarls Barkley

Creative photos by Chema Madoz

2007-01-12T13:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm iced in and internet channel surfing, when I come across these photos and thought they were very interesting and amazing (see the link below...wait, I don't actually know how to make it an active link, so just copy and paste). They're by a spanish photographer named Chema Madoz.

http://haha.nu/creative/creative-photos-by-chema-madoz

Words of wisdom from the "Son Of A Witch"

2006-12-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

These are exerpts from two seperate passages that aren't necessarily related. I just found them each very profound (not to mention well worded) in their own way.
This book is the sequel to "Wicked: the life and time of the Wicked Witch of the West", by Gregory Maguire. If there is anyone who hasn't read either one of these, I would highly recommend them. They are dark, and entertaining, and full of philosophy, and make lots of interesting points about society and basic human nature.

"A capacity for interiority in the growing adult is threatened by the temptation to squander that capacity ruthlessly to revel in hollowness. The syndrome especially plagues anyone who lives behind a mask. An Elephant in her disguise as a human princess, a Scarecrow with painted features, a glittering tiara under which to glow and glide in anonymous glamour. A witch's hat, a Wizard's showbiz display, a cleric's stole, a scholar's gown, a soldier's dress sartorials.

A hundred ways to duck the question: how will I live with myself now that I know what I know?"

- pg 150 & 151

"We are the next thing the Time Dragon is dreaming, and nothing to be done about it.

We are the fanciful sketch of wry Lurline, we are droll and ornamental, and no more culpable than a sprig of lavender or a sprig of lightning, and nothing to be done about it.

We are an experiment in situation ethics set by the Unnamed God, which in keeping its identity secret also cloaks the scope of the experiment and our chances of success or failure at it - and nothing to be done about it.

We are loping sequences of chemical conversion, acting ourselves converted. We are twists of genes acting ourselves twisted; we are wicks of burning neuroses acting ourselves wicked. And nothing to be done about it. And nothing to be done about it."

- pg 127 & 128

Art and Music

2006-12-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

There is a power in good music and in good art. It gives new perspective to an old idea, it helps heal a wounded soul, it brings pain from past memories. It can tear out your heart or it can put it back again. It can make you feel alive when everything else feels dead, and it can be something real in a world where everything is fake.

Snow Day

2006-11-30T20:51:00.000-08:00